This piece is my way of coming to terms with the loss of a better part of my heart. The part that had me fighting a silent battle to hold on to the last remaining ounce of humanity I had left. The bittersweet symphonies that played in my head as I faced every single day with the hope of finally being able to leave behind a legacy that belonged to the two of us. How I wished upon that star every evening. The tossing and turning and sleepless nights. The reassurances of a single heartbeat that would change my life forever. The waking dawn brought with it faint glimmers of hope that perhaps one day, I too, would be able to have my day in the sunlight. I too, would be able to lift him up and say, 'Hey, you and I have a long walk to take so keep your chin up and don't let anyone or anything slow you down'. I had a plan set out for us. We were going to leave this place behind and spend endless summer days basking in the shade of that great Willow that beckoned us from the movies of old. You would be the person you were born to be and I would live out the rest of my days watching you become my future. Alas, I can only be so bold as to use the term 'posthumous'.
Do you know what it feels like to have your heart break into a million pieces? Do you know what it is like to see your future end in front of you? The images are etched into stone in my mind. Sealed in blood and never ever to be removed. The better part of me died alongside my future that day. It left me without as much as a goodbye and farewell. I was ripped apart in that one moment. In Norse mythology, the Valkyrie watch over the valiant dead. At that instant, I became a Valkyrie to watch over him. Nothing stopped me from wanting to end the madness but I was powerless to begin with.
I am an empty shell. The last of the brave who fought the good fight. I am a mere drop in the ocean of regret. What has been done cannot possibly be undone but rest assured, I will never ever be the same person again. I am numb. There is a hole where my heart used to be. A vacant lot open to malice and hurt. My very existence is defined by the seconds ticking away on a clock. He comes to me in my dreams and calls out to me to join him. He beckons me closer. I would sleep forever to see him again and again but I am reminded every day as the winds whisper in my ear, 'Michelle, it isn't time yet'.
This isn't my time to go. Not now. Not for a while yet.
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Hush now, don't you cry
Wipe away the teardrop from your eye
You're lying safe in bed
It was all a bad dream
Spinning in your head
Your mind tricked you to feel the pain
Of someone close to you leaving the game of life
So here it is, another chance
Wide awake you face the day
Your dream is over... or has it just begun?
There's a place I like to hide
A doorway that I run through in the night
Relax child, you were there
But only didn't realize and you were scared
It's a place where you will learn
To face your fears, retrace the years
And ride the whims of your mind
Commanding in another world
Suddenly you hear and see
This magic new dimension
If you open your mind for me
You won't rely on open eyes to see
The walls you built within
Come tumbling down, and a new world will begin
Living twice at once you learn
You're safe from pain in the dream domain
A soul set free to fly
A round trip journey in your head
Master of illusion, can you realize
Your dream's alive, you can be the guide but...
I will be watching over you
I am gonna help you see it through
I will protect you in the night
I am smiling next to you, in Silent Lucidity
RIP xxx
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