Insomnia

This weekend really opened up my eyes. I now know, first-hand, of how fragile life really is. One moment, you're making peace with the circumstances and the next, you're watching things fall apart around you. Being human is cruelty at its worst. It isn't easy to wipe off pain like it were chalk marks on a blackboard. It is even worse still to be thrown at the deep end of the pool and to find out that you can't swim to save your life. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've reached the end of the road. At some point, I gotta face the inevitable. It is unfair to give life and to take it away like it was spoilt milk. All I know is I will fight to keep my sanity even if it kills me for I have never wanted anything so much before. It will only get harder as the days go by and I don't expect anyone to understand because I cannot let anyone in at this stage. It is a burden only I can carry. Emotionally, he is with me. Physically, I am alone. This wasn't supposed to happen but there is no point dwelling on the 'what-ifs' now. That stage is long gone. I have to smile and brave the winds. The very winds that threaten to take my happiness away from me. With every fibre of my being, I love the part of him that he gave me. I love it so so much that I'm scared to close my eyes and miss a single second of their life, and at the same time I am afraid to open my eyes in case the dream remains just that, a dream. I want this more then anything on earth. If this is meant to be punishment for earlier transgressions, I will happily accept it but not at the cost of losing this life. It would break me down completely. I want this, I need this. It is the key to the puzzle, the missing piece, the only thing that could fill the void within. Hear me out, please don't take it away from me.

Broken.