I

Last nights events was the catalyst.

I cannot possibly go on like this. Tossing and turning in bed, sweaty and shaky and confused. My left hand bled yet I felt no pain. I sat upright and by the light of my cell phone, I stared at my hand for what seemed like eternity. My heart felt as if it was seconds away from ripping out of my chest. I wiped my life off on a white tshirt I had on and it intrigued me as to how quickly it coagulated on my hand. Was this Life handing me yet another lesson that nobody bleeds forever?

I thrashed my hand again and again on the wall and wanted to feel something but once again, here I was, alone and numb. Panic and confusion flowed through me. All of a sudden, the whole room went quite. Like someone had sucked the air out of it without as much as a warning. My ears rang in high-pitch. Intense buzzing turning into electrical voltage. Lucid dreams I so badly needed to control were out of my reach. Hallucinations of a viral kind that threatened my sanity. Somehow this all led me back to one person, a name I cannot mention, a name I dare not mention.

My entire existence was turned upside down. These hands that couldn't stop shaking were trying to tell me something. If only they were strong enough to lead me to pen and paper then perhaps my story would have been entirely different. To you, it would merely have been the rantings of a mad woman but to me, it was my life. My misery and my pain. Yet I find it next to impossible to be able to pen everything down legibly. Nothing in my life is fluid nor legible. Its more a series of random events that brought me to this day. Years of internal torture and fighting with my demons to remain in control of this ship.

My hands haven't stopped shaking. As I type this, the demon in me wants to surface and reclaim this empty shell of a corpse. I cannot fight it anymore. Tragedy after tragedy has marred my path. If this journey was as easy as renting a movie, I would have been a Humphrey Bogart classic. Sadly, my tale is one of horror and hurt and constant belittlement. I think you fail to see that I too, have a heart. It may be riddled with scorch marks but it is a heart nonetheless. It is what keeps me partially sane from the wolves who wait at my doorstep. I know how hungry they are. To err but a little is to give them motive to gnaw at my flesh and maul my entire being.

You think you know who I am. You think I am just the same as anyone else with half a brain. Oh how wrong you are! Your mind cannot possibly comprehend, let alone fathom the depth of my pain. I seek eternal slumber. I seek the swift hand of justice. I seek the Grim Reaper himself. Don't try to understand me. I am beyond your thought spectrum. I reside in the dark corners of your minds, a little piece of reality that claws your soul everytime you try to figure me out.

Walk away now.

(Thank you Mark for coming to my aid - you are a true friend)