Alive

I reflect on yesterdays past as Alive by POD booms in the background. It brought me to this moment in time where I find myself questioning the reason for my existence. The nights I spent getting intoxicated but for what reason. The men that have come and gone. The friends and family I have lost through separation and death. It makes no sense to me now.

Everyday is a new day

I'm thankful for every breath I take

I won't take it for granted

So I learn from my mistakes

I've woken up one too many times in unfamiliar places, wishing that I hadn't made those mistakes. The faces that I want to erase from memory but find impossible to do so. I want to be numb again, give me morphine. Yes, morphine. That soothing nectar in my veins as I drift off from space and time. I don't like what I have become. This isn't the person I was supposed to be. There was more to life then this unnecessary trudging from country to country and from meaningless relationships with nameless faces then from bar to God-forsaken bar.

It's beyond my control

Sometimes its best to let go

Whatever happens in this lifetime

So I trust in love

You have given me peace of mind

There was nothing I could have done at the time. I see it all too clearly now. It was meant to be. Written by the Fates. And so I did what I had to do and make a mess of things around me. What was I searching for in the debris? Darkness enveloped me as I wished for Death to comsume me. The horrors of life too true and in vivid color. I dare not question It. Perhaps it is wise of me to realise the inevitable and decide to sweep it out into the streets with yesterdays trash. Throw it out while I still have the chance.

Sunshine upon my face

A new song for me to sing

Tell the world how I feel inside

Even though it might cost me everything

I hum a familiar tune as I prepare to set foot on more unfamiliar ground. The heart aches for home, my real home. I don't know where that is but I am sure I'll find it when the time comes. I know this is not where I am supposed to be right now. There is more to me then meets the eye. You can't possibly think or say you know me because you haven't the faintest as to who and what I really am. You couldn't handle the depth I've gone to. The likes of which no-one has ever or will ever see in their lifetimes. A closed up, dark and woeful box.

Now that I know this

So beyond, I can't hold this

I can never turn my back away

Now that I see you

I can never look away

I am spiralling out of control. The residue of Scotch still vile in my mouth. I haven't the strength to face my demons. I walk along with a time-bomb ticking away in my head. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Slowly, yet inevitable. I have been running for so long, from an unseen terror. My feet ache. I want to give it all up now and surrender myself to the approaching storm. But He won't let me. He wants me to suffer a little longer, to feel the pain He felt when it was His turn.

I feel so alive

For the very first time

And I think I can fly

I'm going now. It seems a Parallel Universe awaits this version of me. How wonderful it must be to not know what I have known, to not see what I have seen, to not feel what I have felt. How wonderful. And so here I go, wish me well.

And I think I can fly

I can fly................