Despair

Its funny how certain songs remind you of things you never thought you'd remember again. Things that were better off buried and forgotten. The pain and the tears that made you into what you are today. I thought of it not over 5mins ago and it prompted me to write my heart out. Waking up on that autumn morning and seeing your whole life fall apart. How I wished I had never woken up, that I had died the previous night. I wish I had seen it coming. The searing pain in my chest like a knife slicing me apart, slowly and methodically. His words were that sharp. They cut me up deep. So deep that I ran out onto the street crying, walking aimlessly through crowds with hot tears rolling down my face as I tried to make sense of it all. Was this shock? Or was it the inevitable? Time stood still for that one time when I wanted it to move along and let me heal. I was caught up in my mess, not looking where I was going or who I was bumping into. My heart told me to keep running till I ran out of oxygen and collapsed. For the first time, my heart told me to stop living and fade away. I was alone once again, content with my suicidal thoughts. Alone in that empty space. Willow hung over me like a bird of prey. I sat there and lost myself in my tears and heartache. I hurt so much. I lost track of time. Nightfall came and I hadn't moved. I wasn't sure whether there were people around me, I just wasn't aware of anything at that moment. Loneliness took over me and I felt fear for the first time. I finally knew what it felt like to be alone. He took my heart and soul away from me that very day. I was an empty shell. The thought of going home made me want to scream in vain. That night alone, I opened up myself to the elements. I was a walking target, open to all the lunatics. I looked for trouble. I wanted someone to put me out of my misery. Oh how good it would be to die and be forgotten. Trudging along slowly in the dark, stumbling on empty cans and beer bottles in a dangerous neighborhood. I wasn't scared of death. I wanted Death to find me that night. I longed for the Grim Reaper to rip out the remainder of my soul and leave this empty shell of a corpse to rot in the dark, alongside the filth of that City. All that crying and my eyelids could barely remain open. I was a zombie. All alone in this big City. Nobody would have looked for me. My family were hundreds of miles away, in a different country, a different time zone. They would never have had to see me suffer like this all alone. I looked for a friendly face in the crowd but I couldn't find my Dad, my rock. I screamed in vain, cursing the Gods to end my suffering. It wasn't worth it anymore. He left a scar where my heart used to be. I'm not the person I used to be......why me??