I am beginning to see everything in perspective now. The past 2 months I spent in that country has seen me go from strength to strength, given all the heartache I’ve suffered by the hands of others. Never have I felt so alone and miserable. The pain is difficult to express in words. Its like having a hot serrated blade run through your skin, over and over again. I wouldn’t even know where or how to begin expressing the utter misery. The experience I would not want anyone to go through. I am thankful for the resilience and the strength I inherited from my parents for without it, I would probably be lying under a bridge somewhere. My parents always told me to stand up for myself and to never back down, and I almost did forget that but something inside me stopped the tears from running down my face. Something told me to keep my head up high and smile, no matter how hard things got. I swear I was close to breaking down at times but I’d like to think that God was with me every step of the way, holding my hand and reassuring me that the world wasn’t full of bad people. That is what got me through the loneliness and the endless fights. Do you know what it feels like to be told to leave your ‘safe haven’ when you’re miles away from home? I do, and its scary. Out on your own without an inkling as to where you’re supposed to be going. I’ve heard of the many horror stories that people tell, the stuff of nightmares of being left alone in a foreign country and left to fend for yourself. I never knew I’d end up in the same position as these statistics. When it actually happens, you’re in a state of shock and disbelief. You’re trying to piece together the moments that led up to this incident and you try and grasp the situation and deal with it as best you can. There is a fine line between love and hate and I saw it first hand. Everything that i’ve learnt about human nature was thrown out the window at that point. It takes a fortunate few to be blessed with humanity and understanding and compassion and that is something that they never had. I was lied to from the very beginning. I consider myself an intelligent person and a great judge of character but even the best in the world have the wool pulled over their eyes. I don’t know why it had to be me but now I see that it was something bigger then me, something much bigger then the person I am inside. I definitely have a Guardian Angel because there were many people who came to my aid. You wish you could choose your family like you do with friends but it was all so different this time around. I have made a big impression on so many since being there and they all lent a shoulder to cry on. They stayed up with me crying till the wee hours of the morning, they held my hand when my emotions took over and my heart sank and when all I had was the desire to end it all. Misery really loves company. I could feel my body shiver as I tried to comprehend my fate. I could never be the same person I was when I left for that foreign shore. My mindset has changed, my entire outlook on life and friendship and family has changed. I now know that I can make it on my own and that there is nothing holding me back but myself. I also know that everything that has befallen me has happened for a reason. If I were a bad person, I wouldn’t have had so many people to lean on and to farewell me in person and on the phone when I said goodbye. I came out a winner at the end of the day. I broke bonds and made lasting friendships with so many. They all accepted me for the person I am and that was all that mattered. If someone cannot accept you for all that you are then they never really deserved you to begin with. The power you have as an individual is something you must learn to harness because that is your only defense against everything and everyone who try to bring you down. When the entire universe seems to conspire against you, rise up and challenge the naysayers. Break them down. If you are impatient like me and cannot wait around for karma to take effect then do what I did and keep hitting back till you bear blood and bone. Feel human again and grab whats yours. Never let them take your strength away. Keep fighting for yourself because nobody will do it for you. The struggles I went through to get me here is something far beyond anything the mind can conjure. There were moments when I was down and out and then there were those rare times I was picked up and carried on wings. I laughed and I cried and I smiled and I screamed. I’ve lost so much but gained so much more. Australia, you have taught me so much. Life, you have taken away so much. I am still Michelle, the woman people love to hate and the woman men can’t handle. I am tough as nails and the closest friend you’ll ever have. I am proud and happy to be me.
I dedicate this to Tas and Jione Fesaitu, Anthea Gock, and Anthony Wainscott for showing me what friendship and family was all about. Thank you for making me smile again :) I love you all xx
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