One day at a time

While I make it my business to constantly write when I get the time, I know this one is completely different. 

I'm expecting my first child and it is the single most scariest event I've ever experienced (or am experiencing). No amount of advice from mum or my best friend will ever be enough to quell my fears about this. I've always known deep inside that I'd be a great mother someday but to be caught in this moment is so overwhelming that it has me in tears more often then I care to be in. I know pregnancy was never meant to be easy, especially if it is your first child. While the doctors jabber on about not stressing out, it is so impossible not to. I'm not exactly in the ideal of situations with my pregnancy. Things on the home front are shaky and I'm always scared about what tomorrow might bring. I spend my waking and sleeping moments pondering about the world I am bringing this child into. It is the worst feeling when you are unprepared and I've never had to be. Another lesson to learn I guess.

So I'll probably blame this on the hormones and wish that things were different and I was in a completely different situation. Last night I cried doubting myself and what right I had to be a mother. People rant on about it being a blessing but they never mentioned the emotional roller-coaster I had to be riding on. As I look out my window, the Spring flowers are in full bloom and it does nothing to allay my fears of the future. Not knowing what tomorrow will bring is the worst feeling in the world. I want to be in control of my life. I want to be responsible for my own decisions but with a little one on the way, that is a distant dream. Everything changed the day I found out I was carrying. 

I still have a long way to go yet and I know the journey won't be easy. This is the one time I just want someone to lie to me and say that everything will be alright and that my child will be born happy and healthy. The uncertainties are mind-boggling to say the least. I am broken in so many ways that it would take a lot of time and patience to piece me back together again. Am I ready for this? Was anyone ever ready for this?

A single prayer is all I have for the one that is due to arrive: 

Please don't expect too much from the world for there is nothing it can provide that you can't get for yourself. Mum will do all she can to make sure you have a comfortable life but mum will not always be there for you because as the circle of life goes, I too will have to go away to see your grandfather. I will hold your hand and catch you when you fall for as long as you want me to, this I promise you my baby but you will need to walk the rest of the way alone. You will be ready to face the world on your own and make me proud. While I won't be around in body, my spirit will live on in that heart of yours. My undying will to thrive will take care of you always.

One day at a time is all. 

Urban decay

I've heard people say that when life hands you lemons, you make lemon juice or break out a bottle of tequila. At this point in time, I do not even have the resources to make said lemon juice let alone afford a decent bottle of tequila. I know this may seem like a lot to take in but when you're in a position like mine, even the darkest of nights seem optimistic.

I do not know where to begin fathoming (if there is such a word) the start of this entire saga or how it is going to turn out in the not-too-distant future but all I can say is that once again I find myself in a precarious situation. The hardest part of my life was losing dad but this sits right up there in severity. I am a very pessimistic person and always have been as I have been let down more then once. A defense mechanism that I have built is one where I've always pushed people out of the way and closed myself off to deal with my own pain. I've struggled so much in the past few months that things have been next to impossible for me to deal with. Suicidal thoughts keep me going and it is this very pain that forces me to push on despite the intensity of pain that I feel. I only wish there was a way to deal with this better but my last line of aid has all but surely left me. The family I once knew has all but abandoned me and the only being left in my life is my furry companion of 13 years, the ever-loyal Salem. The endless conversations I have with him before bedtime is what gives me hope. I almost expect him to say that everything will be alright and that we will make it through these dark times unscathed. Every so often he tilts his head and pricks up his ears as if to say "I understand what you're going through but I cannot speak to you like I want to". Soft meows followed by head bonks is my reward for being patient.

I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel and I can only imagine the long walk ahead of me. If there is a God, I know there will be a sign to tell me that I am doing everything I can to make life better for myself. But for now, that is but a distant dream.

Ode to a Street Sweeper

It was pouring outside when I woke up at 6 AM this morning. In the gloomy darkness of my room, I could hear faint sounds of broom sweeping outside. It was our city street sweeper Ramesh. He was sweeping the streets even in the midst of this pouring rain! I was shocked! Then it came to me. Ramesh has been sweeping the streets since...well, before I can remember. He had been sweeping the streets waaaay back when I was still a little girl. I was told that Ramesh had been doing this job for a very long time. Rain or shine, he did his job everyday, at the crack of dawn, sweeping the streets.

I recall a New Years morning when everyone was just walking out of the clubs after a night of crazy celebration and Ramesh was out there cleaning up the mess from the night before. We hadn't even slept yet and he was already doing his job. Sure, the streets were littered with ash and paper and remnants of firecrackers when the city residents used to greet the New Year, but instead of taking time to rest, Ramesh was sweeping the streets, even if it was a holiday. I guess he didn't have holidays or he chose to sweep the streets in the morning and rest after. Now that is what service is all about. He is only paid a few dollars a month for his early morning excursion but that doesn't seem to deter him in his quest to clean up our streets.

I usually leave my house at around 7.30 AM and see that our street is spotless. At first, I didn't think about it until I realized how one person has been cleaning up after us every morning. It's a shame, really, when I see people on cars or motorbikes, throw their trash on the street as they pass by. Unknowingly, it seems that they have tarnished Ramesh's pride and joy. Even with all the education in the world, we have no idea about how to keep our city clean. Countless times, I have seen luxuriously overweight Fijians waddle off to the closest garbage bin, only to keep stuffing it when it's already full to the brim. The next bin is a short walk away but of course, they won't dare break a sweat. The fat of the land going about their business yet not one person stops to ponder about Ramesh and the great job he is doing cleaning up after you. Not a thank you, not a smile. We avoid them like the plague and preach about the morality of others. 

It breaks my heart to see people like Ramesh struggle to survive. All he had on was a light jacket to save him from the elements. No gum boots in sight but a well-worn pair of flip flops to carry him through the day. With the little money they make, our street sweepers are helping pave the way for a brighter future for our children, one that is cleaner and safer. When darkness falls, we're safe in our homes while Ramesh is out there preparing for a new day for the city. I am ashamed of humanity. We are whats wrong with society. The evils out there started within us and we lay blame on others. 

Next time you throw your trash anywhere, be sure to remember the Ramesh's out there who are keeping your streets clean. They may have one of the lowliest jobs on earth but at least they are doing their part to save it. They are making a difference. Thank you Ramesh!

Cornered

It's one of those days when you feel like giving up and throwing in the towel because things just got too hard. Faced with the most daunting and most painful aspect of a woman's life, I find myself wishing for a different life in a different world, on a different universe. There is one person who lingers constantly in my mind and that person is the reason why I hang on to dear life even when things get beyond tough. I've reached the end of my line with this one. Things just don't feel the same any more. I'm fragile in so many ways, I bet this is all I have going for myself. The mighty pen is my only friend and without it, I am nothing. Just a mere drop in the ocean of intellectuals.

I could have had more then this but I kick myself every time because I know I have failed in so many ways. One day perhaps I too will know what it feels like to be on top of the world without fear of reprisal and retribution. But these are just dreams regardless of how you see it. I cannot be more then what I am now. How I wish I could be bigger and better then this. My transition into the real world would be smoother and simpler. 

Everyone dreams about white picket fences and the like. A perfect home with the trappings of life. The vision of your future children running to you with a smile and a mad lust for life. Those white picket fences have become nothing but imaginary as I try my best to establish my REAL reason for being here. Soft music playing in the background as I type out the entire value of my life. Is this all there is to me?

You make it real

As I heard your favourite song and gazed upon your face in the picture book, I felt a lone tear run down my cheek and fall on your name etched on my heart. I hold on to my pillow tight and cry my heart out. I'm hurting inside and I realise my pain is real. You are coursing through my veins as I ponder an uncertain path ahead. You were always the first voice I heard when waking up and the last as I fell asleep. You understand me like no other before you and I wonder if you even know how messed up I am inside. I can't go on living like this knowing you are hundreds of miles away from me and out of reach. I long to hear your voice again and to tell you that my heart still beats hopelessly for you and you alone. My internal soundtrack keeps crying out to not count the miles but the I Love Yous. As the sun sets to end my day, the sun rises to welcome yours. My last words to you were, "When you miss me, just look up at the sky and know that we share the same view". Your last words before you flew out were, "Take care of yourself Michelle. I'll try my hardest to keep in touch but I can't guarantee anything". Even then I said not to forget me and said my final goodbye before you boarded your flight home. I am a broken person. A mere shadow of my former self. I cannot seem to say or do anything without the thought of you occupying every second of my day. I feel as if I've lost the will to go on. I only wanted to hold on to you for a bit longer but we both know how difficult our circumstances are. 

"You make it real for me - James Morrison" - every word rings true as you always used to play it when we spoke. You give me a reason to live and to feel like a real woman.

I miss you so much every day and I love you with every beat of my heart. I only wish life wasn't so cruel to us both.

Unfortunate slight

The entire world conspires against me. Seems as if you and I were never meant to be. Then why did we meet under such circumstances, only to have our hearts ripped out from our chest?

I never wanted to feel this way. You were supposed to be a fleeting memory, fading away in time. 4 years later and we're still clinging to that first "hello". My heart still skips a beat when I see your face, you still ignite passion in me. 

I need to give you up, and with it the dreams of ever being with you. It breaks my heart to watch you walk away. How do I mend a broken heart when it refuses to stop bleeding?

You once told me, "It ain't over till the fat lady sings" and this I shall hold on to till the day I get to hold you in my arms and tell you I love you more then life itself. 

An unfortunate slight? You're uncharted territory and I find you intriguing beyond comprehension. Let's leave it at that.

"Like anyone would be

I am flattered by your fascination with me

Like any hot-blooded woman

I have simply wanted an object to crave" 

Ode to V-Day.

This Valentine's Day, my heart is miles away.....

..........but it is a special one nonetheless.

There was a time when I used to believe that there was nothing worth doing in life, when out of no where, you came into my life, someone who made me smile, and laugh like I had no sadness that surrounded me, and everything changed. I must be really fortunate to have met you.

I had never thought that I would ever be so happy, so full of life that your presence in it gives me a kick and drives me with so much energy that I feel on top of the world. Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, a day for lovers to share their love with each other, together. I always had a fancy to spend this day of love, Valentine’s Day, with the person whom I love the most, doing all sorts of romantic stuff, like in the movies and fairytale love stories. Today, I have you, the jewel that sparkles in my life, and yet I am spending this day without you.

I don’t know whether it is destiny, luck or chance by which we met. Strange circumstances come in life, and see, due to these circumstances, we are not able to be together on this beautiful day of love. I have so much love to give you that I think no one can love anyone as much as I love you, but looking at you and the love you give me, I am in complete awe of such a beautiful and amazing human being. I am blessed and cursed all at once, having so much love to give but no-one to share it with in person. This love has some sort of magic in it, that makes me do all sorts of things, that maybe very crazy and filmy, but still I love to do it and it makes me smile. I can’t stop smiling when I think of you.

I must say I am very lucky that although I do not have you close to me this Valentine’s Day, I have my valentine with me, in my heart and soul. I may not able to touch you and kiss your lips, but love is right here, and I hope you feel my love with the words I’ve written. I may not be a great writer, but I hope you will understand every childish word I've written for you. I am still so lucky that even though I can't be with you, I will ALWAYS have you in my heart where you belong, for time and eternity.

This years love, will last forever.

Baby, I love you, Will you be my Valentine ?