I wasn't born with enough middle fingers!

When it rains, it pours.

I seriously despise that phrase, being the poster child for such a thing. There never seems to be an end to the dramatic chapters of life. Every day, a new reason to despise the circle of people and places and circumstances. It's high time the curve ball stopped elsewhere. Enough of this useless mucking about in my end of the pool.

Bring me that cup of joy that everybody else is enjoying. Give me Skrillex and a reason to break down the barriers that force me to alienate myself for good this time! Let me get lost in the words of Marilyn Manson! Please don't follow me anymore............

I am done giving a fuck!

Be yourself!

Pondering the endless possibilities of that vast expanse. How we got here and where we are headed. Not much makes sense to me but one thing I do know is that life will never be the same again after this. I have but a few words for those in my shoes. Live your life well. Spend every day doing things that make you happy. Stop living for everyone and everything and start dancing to your own tune. Whatever happened to that little girl who spent all her time being carefree and happy? Don't suppress your feelings..........

Laugh, dance, sing.................

My life in a quotation.

"The trouble with steeling yourself against the harshness of reality is that the same steel that secures your life against being destroyed secures your life also against being opened up and transformed" - Frederick Buechner.

With you...

If I could have just one wish,

I would wish to wake up everyday to the sound of your breath on my neck,

the warmth of your lips on my cheek,

the touch of your fingers on my skin,

and the feel of your heart beating with mine as we lay in each others arms and welcome a new sunrise.

Your lips speak sweet softness,

I am lost in your magic,

Because of you,

I am no longer afraid of good-byes.

Knowing that I could never find that feeling with anyone other than you is why I truly love you.

I don't think you will ever fully understand how you've touched my life and made me who I am.

I don't think you could ever know just how truly special you are that even on the darkest nights you are my brightest star.

You complete me.

Your voice is soothing,

Calming and reassuring.

That enchantment I see in your eyes,

reminds me of who you really are.

You are poetry............

I love you xx

Poetry In Motion.

Precious moments, magical times and meaningful words - you gave me.

You make me smile more than anybody would understand,
You're always the one to offer a helping hand.
You're the one I can turn to when things are going bad,
But you don't know that you drive me mad.

You make me happy, you make me feel free,
You make me feel like I could be anybody I wanted to be.
I am different around you, I can finally let things go,
The way you make me feel, you will never know.

The smile on my face, is there because of you,
When I speak to you, I'm putting my heart on a whim
I'm not sure how I'm feeling, is it infatuation?
I get so distracted by all of the flirtation.

You make things easier, I don't need to explain,
You just make me smile, you make me feel sane.
Nobody understands the way you make me feel,
Nobody knows that with you, it is real.

I'm smiling when I'm with you, you make my heart melt
Theres no doubt that this is the strongest I have ever felt
I'm different after meeting you, everyone can see,
Nobody else can make me smile, nobody else makes me so happy.

But nothing can happen, its a forbidden fantasy.
You make me somebody, I'm happy to be.
You're going to be somebody I keep close to my heart,
Despite the miles that would put us apart.

My anchor - Stranger in the night.

Love hurts....

Love hurts. I say that because I know. Love is... or was amazing. It's an incredible feeling to know what you're going to say. It's more incredible the way you had me on the edge of my seat because you're so completely random, I never knew what's coming next. It's hard to explain, but you filled some void in me, and now, without you, I'm missing something again. I wonder if it will ever truly, whole heartedly be filled again. I just don't want to know what it's like to hurt any more...

I didn't ask for it to be over, but then again, I didn't ask for it to begin. For that's the way it is with life, as some of the most beautiful days come completely by chance. But even the most beautiful days eventually have their sunsets.

The tough thing about following you heart is that people forget to mention that sometimes the heart takes you to places you shouldn't be. Places that are scary as they are exciting and as dangerous as they are alluring. Sometimes your heart cannot take you to places that lead to happy ending. That's not even the difficult part; the difficult part is when you follow your heart, you leave normal; you go into the unknown and once you do you can never go back.

A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and you just have to let go.

How do i pull myself out of the darkness again? Tell me. I opened my heart to you. At least you have something to fall back on, i don't. Never had, never will. Why you may ask? Coz i gave it all up to you....i love you more then anyone will ever love you.....thats a promise i will keep till the very end....

You're my everything, forever.....Michelle Allyson Ali.

Everything will be okay (written by Gia and Fiyona on my birthday)

She believes that everything will be okay
Nothing seems to dampen her spirit
Coz everything she knows is beautiful

When she cries
She hides her tears
She's telling everyone
That things are....
Just meant to be

But, can she realise
She needs to let go
She needs to let me know....
How she feels

Allison don't cry
Just lean on my shoulder
Let me in....
Time flies away
And you will know that....
Everything is gonna be okay.........

Silence

2 weeks.
Doesn't seem that long but for someone like me, it is.
For someone in my position, it surely is.

I'm thinking how did I get to be like this. I know I am far from being labeled normal but things were simpler before you walked in. Simpler in the sense, I never had to compact anything before. I am a wreck. I am not afraid to admit it. A wreck that probably no salvage crew in the entire world could put together, let alone pick up the debris. Just let me float away. Don't ask me why. I need it. I want it. Every time I close my eyes, I am transported to you. You sitting there without an inkling of what is going on in my head. You who has it all figured out but is oblivious to my pain. I am expandable, yes I know this. I am at your disposal, sadly. For the life of me, I find it hard, well, almost impossible, to let go. 12.47pm today, that emptiness I could sense. It wasn't the same as it was 2 days ago. It shook my very foundations. It hurts like hell. I don't know who to talk to, let alone find a kindred spirit. Nobody will understand me, I only expect ridicule for the steps I am taking. For the steps I am about to take.

Please don't judge me. Please don't hate me. I followed my heart. Till the very end, I gave it my all. So what if I got nothing in return. So what if you couldn't see me for the real me. I am who I am. A diamond in the ruff for someone, a thorn in the side for many. My heart aches. It always will.

Disconnected is what I am.

My lone gunman

I know you. I've seen your face before. My memories are vague but I know YOU. I have known you for a long while now. I rekindle the image of your face every night as I sleep. Many faces cross me in my deep slumber but yours remains a constant. I remember everything about you. I feel as If we've met in some way before. In some magical twisted way. Ah yes it all comes back to me now. Its getting clearer. You sitting there across the room as our eyes meet for that fleeting moment. You feeling awkward because you felt the same way I did. I longed for you. I don't know if I have you now but the longing remains. It stays this way for I feel there is purpose in this. There is a reason behind this. There is hope lying somewhere within us. Could it be that Destiny robbed you off me, and vice versa? Could it be that Fate has other plans? I may not have these answers, and neither do you. We never will. The moment I saw you, I felt the dimming embers of love slowly light up again. Like it was being fanned by winds of that very Fate that dared to rob me off my sanity. I see you all the time. Every turn I make. Every road I take. Every street I walk. Memories of you flood my heart and soul. It softly whispers in my ear that I love you still. It reminds me of a passion I once had for life. The passion that took over me with such intensity that I feared for my life. It is strange how the feeling of love can be mistaken for the feeling of madness. But alas, who am I to try and reason with it? I sat at the resting place of the old ones a while back and pondered the very state of my existence. The whats and whys and whos and wheres. Mostly the whys. But I saw your face still. As if it had never left these shores. That face that I long to touch and and look upon in awe. That picture of serenity and the incredible feeling of the wind through the pine trees like a million voices saying your name in unison. Chanting your name. Beckoning you to come and sweep me off my feet like you did the very first time I heard your voice. The very first time you uttered my name and said you now knew what it felt like to be wanted and loved and appreciated. I loved you then with the force of a mighty wave. I love you still with the same intensity. I smile a little smile every time I peer at you through the glass frame. You're saying so much to me without even moving your lips. Your eyes burn with such passion. The embers have turned to flames now. Flames that have consumed me without as much as giving me a choice. Perhaps I never needed one. The choice was made a long time ago. A very long time ago. Beautiful. Charming. Mesmerizing. Breath-taking. All that is you is now in me. I am complete. I now know you.

One last time

Its time to say goodbye. Time to hang up those dancing shoes for good. I wore them in I guess. Those shoes have walked miles and its time to give them a break. You would say to me, ''Michelle, why would you do that?". I'll tell you in 2 simple words," Its time". My reign has ended.

The past few days has seen me walk an all too familiar path and this time around, it turned out to be the best walk I've ever taken. The year is nearly over, 7 days away from saying goodbye to 2009. I wish to end it this way. There was no great sign from God or lightning flashes or thunder strikes. It was pure thought. My mind telling my body to give it all up. I'm not phased by this. I lived it up. Young and super fast :) perhaps this was meant to be but you never know what lies ahead until it comes back to bite you in the ass. I hope not to feel the bullet recochet my way. If I never get to have what I always wanted out of life, it does not matter anymore as I know there was a higher purpose behind it all.

I met him and he told me things I could never have learnt from anyone else. That moment we shared on the beach and in each others arms opened my eyes up to the real world and the real struggle that normal, everyday people face. Some more then others but obstacles nonetheless. I learnt and I loved and I forgave. I cried and I laughed and I held on to beauty with dear life. I told you my deepest darkest secret and yet you never judged me. I don't know why you put up with me but like you said, you did :) and for that I am eternally grateful.

As we return to our own homes and lives, I shall never forget that walk I took. The build-up to the most troubled year I've ever had. Tinged with a bit of happiness and endless goodbyes to people I wish would never leave. As you leave for distant shores, I hope our paths cross again someday, but under painless circumstances. You helped lighten my load.

The end is almost here. I must say goodbye now. I must reclaim that which was lost as an innocent girl. For that I hang up my shoes for good. The walk was long and treacherous but a surprising one at every turn.

New people, old ties....

XOX....till we meet again.

When I'm gone

Will you remember me when i leave to join my father?

How will you remember me?

I won't be as lucky as the Kings of days past where songs were sung in their honor. Poems and great stories written by the best Philosophers. I won't be remembered by notions of valor or honor. I have no military lineage. My words will never be quoted in years to come. My life never made a biography or a motion picture. I will fade away like a bad dream over time.

But what of the people I made smile? Will they talk about me? Will he think about me when I'm gone? Will she cry thinking about the time I spent cheering her up and giving her advice?

I hope to have made a difference in your lives somehow, at some stage. It wasn't planned or premeditated. It came from my heart to you and yours. When I leave, that will be the end of my line. There is nobody worthy enough of carry on my name. Perhaps that person isn't even here yet. A shrunken violet. An ode to the dead. The way the world turns.

I served you well, didn't I? I laughed with you, I cried with you. I held your hand when you needed me. I lent a helping hand when nobody else would. But why do you still wish to hurt me so?? Am I not worth your attention or love? I cry out to the heavens because it hurts my fragile soul. But no-one will ever know the real me. You are scared to find out the truth about what makes me ME. I may not be what you think I am. Don't be too surprised to find out the truth. Dig a little deeper and the madness you may find in the dark corners of my mind may haunt you forever.

YOU MAY NOT LIKE WHAT YOU FIND.

But then again, will you remember me when I'm gone?

A mask or smile?

I have a beautiful mask on. It shields me from negative flack. I put it on so no-one and nothing can hurt me. I wear it well. It makes me look good. You would think I am actually happy. But thats the whole idea of a mask, isn't it? I fake it all.

I don't want him/her/them to find out that I have my weaknesses. I don't want anyone to know what the real me goes through inside. It is but a tiny price I have to pay for a wee bit of privacy. There is nothing special about me but if you knew me well, you would pity me, in fact, you would come running to my aid because I deserve your sympathy.

Still, I carry on with hope that someday/one day when the world does come to an end, I will be one of the lucky ones who leaves behind a legacy that all men will be in awe of. I want to be on that mountain-top, wind blowing in my face, people chanting my name as I take a deep breath and say, 'It is finally done."

The mask will then come off.

One fine day

Sitting on the beach that one fine day with my fave book in hand, I found myself pondering the complexities of this journey I was being forced to take. Blinded in the past by tragedies I couldn't (or wouldn't) want to experience ever again. This is not how I planned it to be but then again, nothing in life ever seems to work out according to plan. Anyway, back to that lonely beachside. I saw him playing by the waters edge. He had that look on his face, that priceless look of innocence. He made me put my book down and give him a smile and my full attention. Here I was staring at pure innocence. He has a full life ahead of him, lest a tragedy should befall him before youth, or old age take him. This little being. The apple of someones eye. Shook my very foundations when I heard his name. Nathan. Yes, Nathan. That same name, that image in my mind. I shed a tear as I watched him play. How I longed to hold him. He wasn't mine though. Never would be. For that moment, my book didn't seem interesting anymore. It was no match for little Nathan. It triggered something inside me. Mesmerised I was by this tiny human being in front of me. As I walked away, Nathan ran up to me and grabbed my hand, turning me around to say goodbye. I broke down that instant. Kneeling on the sand that one fine day, I kissed his cheeks and walked away.

State of me

I stood close enough to hear you say, "Do as the beautiful ones do". I tore up my picture from its frame, just wanted to be one of you. I'm standing on the outside, lookin'. Funny how you see the truth, but the feeling does come back to you. She's crazy as anyone can be, that's what they say, they say of me. Wanting love can make one do. It isn't my fault, heredity. State of grace, state of sin. I'm standing on the outside, lookin'. Cannot feel a single thing, but the feeling does come back again. This morning feels like yesterday, yesterday follows me around. Where do you go when no one cares? Six feet under, underground.

I'm standing on the outside, lookin'. Cannot feel a single thing, but the feeling will come back again, again......

I see hope

Lying on that patch of grass that one summers night, I looked up to the heavens in search of that silent answer. The epiphany that awaits you as you close your eyes and sink into deep slumber. A smile stretches on your face as you linger on the bits of memory that made you happy. The memories that time fails to erase. It is etched on your brain. A mental slide-show every time you wish to tune out of reality. It fills you with ecstasy. It overwhelms you. You're taking a journey in your mind to distant lands, to faraway places. In search of adventure, of that one cliffhanger. I know you've been there before but this time its different. You can't explain why but it is. A new-found life in you. A passion for living beyond the age of men. A thrill for searching beyond the horizon. You have that dream. I see it in your eyes. i feel it when you speak. Don't lose it. Don't blink. Don't hesitate. I love that sparkle in your eyes. They remind me of eternal youth. Its nothing like the world of comic superheroes, but wouldn't it be wonderful to live like them? Our lives are written out for us, the plot thickens as your excitement builds. The hero, the anti-hero. We all have those. Romance, tragedy. Ah yes, the wonderful world of make-believe isn't so far fetched anymore. This all, i see in you. Spontaneity. It has your name. Don't open your eyes so soon. It only gets better. I see you....I see hope....

Within....(deep deep within)

Just something I picked up. A knack of going along with someone else's thoughts, putting myself into it. It evolved from within me, Michelle Allyson Ali, not one of my favorite people but, that's where it came from.'

He's got three for the price of one. Nothing's free but guaranteed for a lifetime's use. I've changed the locks and you can't have one. You, you know the other two. The brakes have worn so thin that you could hear; I hear them screeching through the door from our driveway. Hey love, look into your glove-box heart. What is there for me inside? This love is tired. I've changed the locks. Have I misplaced you? Have we lost our minds? Will this never end? It could depend on your take. You. Me. We used to be on fire. If keys are all that stand between, can I throw in the ring? No gasoline. Just have me now. You are wild and I'm in your possession. Nothing's free so, have me now. I'm in your possession.

Have me.

My Dark Life

Dark thoughts linger in the silent watches of the night.

My mind reveals the true nature of the human psyche. Malevolent and hurtful. They urge me to relay these messages to whoever will listen. The darkness beckons me to provoke fear, to strike fear into the hearts of men. I stare into the blackness and see nothing but chaos. The filth and stench of humanity. A disease of the soul. A corruption of the senses. A mockery of faith. Subliminal pain.
Why do you walk alone? That shadow you make isn't yours anymore. The creature that follows you around is the face that your mind created. Your alter-ego. A pitiful mask. Look death in the face. They want you. I hear them calling you. Beckoning you to join the Dark Side. A fine line between love and reckless hate. Such malice in their eyes, burning like a distant fire. Waiting to consume you, to erase every last ounce of humanity left in you.
It appeals to me yet I cannot explain why. The longing in me for the truth. Bend me to your will. Break me. Let evil seduce the very life in you. Fan those flames of hate. Fear is but a word in terms. Nothing more nothing less. I see you falling into the abyss with nothing to hold on to. Let go and free-fall. Close your eyes and let it happen.

Welcome to my Dark Life.

You will suffer me.....(an ode to my enemies)

A bullet in your head is how I want it
Your body on the floor -- a Kodak moment
You're a waste of air and a waste of space
I want sharp objects to fly into your face
I hate you now more than I ever did
I wanna kill you, dig you up and do it again
I want a car to run over your head
Put it in reverse and do it again

And I would be lying if I said that it wasn't true
I want very bad things to happen to you

It would be really great if you drowned in a lake
Or put a bag over your face and watched you suffocate
I'd celebrate at your wake, I'd bake myself a cake
'Cause you're my favorite person that I love to hate
And you're the reason that murder should be legalized
If it was, you'd be dead and in the ground by five
Just in case I forgot to say --
I hate you motherfucker in the very worst way
I want very bad things to happen to you

"The path ahead..."

You know how the mighty salmon navigate upstream. Encountering danger at every turn. Pressing on till they reach their destination, only to die and be devoured by hungry predators. They lived their lives. Did what they were designed to do. That Higher Power saw to it that they should suffer in the long journey home to their final resting place. That is life. A journey each of us must take. We are like that steady flow of salmon desperately trying to make it home, eluding those hungry bears and vultures constantly circling us like the predators they are. Don't be disheartened if you didn't make it past the first hurdle. Unlike the mighty salmon, you will get a second chance. Life is a tough bitch indeed. Swimming against the current is no easy task. You could either go with the flow like some directionally-challenged mook and end up smashing into a rock, meeting a grissly end or you could grow a pair of steel balls and fight the current. Death knocks on either end but the beauty of it all lies behind the way you dealt with the cards you were given. You stood your ground and fought the good fight instead of giving up. The cuts and bruises you got while navigating the worst parts should serve as proof that you weren't scared to let your guard down. Adore your battle scars. Wear them proudly. Life served you well. You served Life well. Two-way traffic that never stops flowing. Life is a never-ending cycle. Keep at it. I am at a crucial part of this journey. Midway between those jagged edges and the hungry bears. "Keep swimming", is what I tell myself. It doesn't end here. Not now. Not if I have anything to do with it. Home is right around the river bend. I'm almost there.

"I just wanna feel real love. Feel the home that I live in. 'Cause I got too much life, running through my veins, going to waste": FEEL - Robbie Williams

So close to it all

Its funny how the most minuscule of things can have a huge impact on your whole well-being. Your whole day torn apart by the very thing that threatens to ruin your life. That threat has a name. An all-too familiar one. It latches on like a snag on your clothes when running through thick underbrush. The tear gets more and more pronounced with every hasty step. Little did you know that along with the snag came a gash that burns deep. It bleeds as you inch forward, looking for refuge. The world seems to cave-in on you but you won't let it. You think running away will take the pain away. Every so often stopping to cower under the largest shade you can find. I ran through there before. I run through there more times then i dare to count. In fact, i ran this morning. I woke up with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. The one thing I thought was perfect in every way turned out to be far from it. Hot tears drench my cheeks. I want to be where you are right now. I wish to walk with you, to feel the rain on my face as the Heavens open up. I can't run anymore. There is no point to it now. The brush gets thicker every time and it hurts me, physically and emotionally. Where is that rain tree we long to see? Where is that shelter we need so bad? Has it forsaken us already? We're trapped in black and white. Like a silent movie with the antagonists and protagonists dancing around a full moon in slow motion. I know you feel this as much as i do. Time seems to stand still for us now. Can you hear the background music rage on like a storm? A familiar beat that thumps as you place your hand to your chest. Its real this time my friend. There is no rewind button in this feature film. You had your chance to dance, to sing, to scream and now we must fade away into the night. Make the move before the credits start to roll. It isn't a dream sequence. Pinch yourself. We have no time to lose now. Nobody will care if that rain tree is cut down or withers away. No-one wants to claim responsibility for your heart breaking. Fingers point in every direction but never at 'self'. I get it now. Stop TRYING to hit me and hit me. Make your point now before i'm gone and the words you longed to say remain unsaid forever. I am here for you now. But i don't know how long for. I was this close to it all.

Escape is futile.....

I took your breath. I robbed you of your life. Oh how I love to see you cry. I'm your nightmare in plain sight and you will fear me. Your screams just can't penetrate my insecurities baby. I couldn't care less. My heart stopped beating when you first said that you loved me. And now I hold you close to me, but I still don't feel a thing. You're so cold and blue, and now I must forget you. Some things are worth dying for and I'm sorry that aint me baby. I'm sorry that you couldn't escape this curse of me.

Tonight I hold you one more time with the stench of formaldehyde in the air. You are my darkest secret and in my dark space is where I'll keep it. Your hopes and dreams will never see the light of day. I took your beauty, your purity. And locked it all away.

The foul stench is all that remains of your essence.

My wrath

I am me. I try not to be anyone else but me. Sadly, some self-righteous people who think they are better then me, have been trying to bring me down because I am outspoken and don't try and sugar-coat shit. I appear to be calm but on the inside, you have no idea how much it hurts to be seen as someone less than worthy of love. I love life, and I live it the way I see fit. My family know me well and they also know that if ever anyone came in my way, I would remove them without even a care in the world. I try to be nice to you yet you don't see the good in me but invoke my wrath everytime I speak my fuckin' mind. Am I not worthy?? Who the hell do you think you are calling my home a bloody brothel??? Have you ever seen me walk in and out the front door with random men like I was some 2-bit hooker?? Do you even know how much that hurts??? You think you are perfect on your high horse, sitting there and fuckin' judging me like I was meat on parade. You don't know the first thing about me. It only goes to show that you can't handle the truth and you can't handle me being myself. I will not bow before anyone except God. He gave me a mouth to speak with and that is what I am doing. If I hate you, I'll tell you in more then just a few lines. If you piss me off, I will make your life hell. If you think I will get on my hands and knees and beg for forgiveness then you got another thing coming because I am my fathers daughter and he brought me up to believe in myself and what I stand for. I can be your best friend and worst enemy if you cross my path. Don't test me. Don't even fuckin' try. I will break you and everyone and everything around you. I know for a fact this note alone will cause a lot of drama but then again, I care less about what you fuckers think of me. You started a war and I swear I will finish it. I have so many amazing friends who genuinely care about me and I'm not hard-up for your attention or affection. They love me for who I am and I only have time for them. The respect and concern I had for you is gone. I do not want to have anything to do with you, not in this lifetime or the next. My patience stops here and now.

Despair

Its funny how certain songs remind you of things you never thought you'd remember again. Things that were better off buried and forgotten. The pain and the tears that made you into what you are today. I thought of it not over 5mins ago and it prompted me to write my heart out. Waking up on that autumn morning and seeing your whole life fall apart. How I wished I had never woken up, that I had died the previous night. I wish I had seen it coming. The searing pain in my chest like a knife slicing me apart, slowly and methodically. His words were that sharp. They cut me up deep. So deep that I ran out onto the street crying, walking aimlessly through crowds with hot tears rolling down my face as I tried to make sense of it all. Was this shock? Or was it the inevitable? Time stood still for that one time when I wanted it to move along and let me heal. I was caught up in my mess, not looking where I was going or who I was bumping into. My heart told me to keep running till I ran out of oxygen and collapsed. For the first time, my heart told me to stop living and fade away. I was alone once again, content with my suicidal thoughts. Alone in that empty space. Willow hung over me like a bird of prey. I sat there and lost myself in my tears and heartache. I hurt so much. I lost track of time. Nightfall came and I hadn't moved. I wasn't sure whether there were people around me, I just wasn't aware of anything at that moment. Loneliness took over me and I felt fear for the first time. I finally knew what it felt like to be alone. He took my heart and soul away from me that very day. I was an empty shell. The thought of going home made me want to scream in vain. That night alone, I opened up myself to the elements. I was a walking target, open to all the lunatics. I looked for trouble. I wanted someone to put me out of my misery. Oh how good it would be to die and be forgotten. Trudging along slowly in the dark, stumbling on empty cans and beer bottles in a dangerous neighborhood. I wasn't scared of death. I wanted Death to find me that night. I longed for the Grim Reaper to rip out the remainder of my soul and leave this empty shell of a corpse to rot in the dark, alongside the filth of that City. All that crying and my eyelids could barely remain open. I was a zombie. All alone in this big City. Nobody would have looked for me. My family were hundreds of miles away, in a different country, a different time zone. They would never have had to see me suffer like this all alone. I looked for a friendly face in the crowd but I couldn't find my Dad, my rock. I screamed in vain, cursing the Gods to end my suffering. It wasn't worth it anymore. He left a scar where my heart used to be. I'm not the person I used to be......why me??

It is what it is

The mind is cloudy. It tries to remember and to forget all at once. The what-ifs and whys.

Slicing through veins and sinew. Pleasure and pain in one endless pool of blood. I wish you could see me in all my glory. I wish you would feel what I feel. We understand the urge, the need to be different. You and I, birds of a feather. Two beings far greater then life itself. We walk the same path but our destinations are different. Along the lines but miles apart. Unfair you say? Cruel I say.

After all, it is what it is.

Alive

I reflect on yesterdays past as Alive by POD booms in the background. It brought me to this moment in time where I find myself questioning the reason for my existence. The nights I spent getting intoxicated but for what reason. The men that have come and gone. The friends and family I have lost through separation and death. It makes no sense to me now.

Everyday is a new day

I'm thankful for every breath I take

I won't take it for granted

So I learn from my mistakes

I've woken up one too many times in unfamiliar places, wishing that I hadn't made those mistakes. The faces that I want to erase from memory but find impossible to do so. I want to be numb again, give me morphine. Yes, morphine. That soothing nectar in my veins as I drift off from space and time. I don't like what I have become. This isn't the person I was supposed to be. There was more to life then this unnecessary trudging from country to country and from meaningless relationships with nameless faces then from bar to God-forsaken bar.

It's beyond my control

Sometimes its best to let go

Whatever happens in this lifetime

So I trust in love

You have given me peace of mind

There was nothing I could have done at the time. I see it all too clearly now. It was meant to be. Written by the Fates. And so I did what I had to do and make a mess of things around me. What was I searching for in the debris? Darkness enveloped me as I wished for Death to comsume me. The horrors of life too true and in vivid color. I dare not question It. Perhaps it is wise of me to realise the inevitable and decide to sweep it out into the streets with yesterdays trash. Throw it out while I still have the chance.

Sunshine upon my face

A new song for me to sing

Tell the world how I feel inside

Even though it might cost me everything

I hum a familiar tune as I prepare to set foot on more unfamiliar ground. The heart aches for home, my real home. I don't know where that is but I am sure I'll find it when the time comes. I know this is not where I am supposed to be right now. There is more to me then meets the eye. You can't possibly think or say you know me because you haven't the faintest as to who and what I really am. You couldn't handle the depth I've gone to. The likes of which no-one has ever or will ever see in their lifetimes. A closed up, dark and woeful box.

Now that I know this

So beyond, I can't hold this

I can never turn my back away

Now that I see you

I can never look away

I am spiralling out of control. The residue of Scotch still vile in my mouth. I haven't the strength to face my demons. I walk along with a time-bomb ticking away in my head. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Slowly, yet inevitable. I have been running for so long, from an unseen terror. My feet ache. I want to give it all up now and surrender myself to the approaching storm. But He won't let me. He wants me to suffer a little longer, to feel the pain He felt when it was His turn.

I feel so alive

For the very first time

And I think I can fly

I'm going now. It seems a Parallel Universe awaits this version of me. How wonderful it must be to not know what I have known, to not see what I have seen, to not feel what I have felt. How wonderful. And so here I go, wish me well.

And I think I can fly

I can fly................

Insane

Insanity is when you think you have it all, but you don't.

Insanity is when you think you are in love, but you aren't.

Insanity is believing he/she will always be there for you, but they won't.

Insanity is sacrificing all you have for that one cause, and yet you remain unfulfilled.

Insanity is your time on earth, with nothing to show for..........

And why do these things haunt me so?

Coz insanity is all I have to hang onto.

C'mon!

There are hundreds of ways you can choose to right a wrong but none could ever be so profound as to when you utter the words "sorry". I can't even remember the last time I used that word. I'm not saying I am perfect and have never made mistakes. In fact, I am far from being perfect. There are so many things I have regretted doing but at that moment in time, my conscience was miles away, or dead for all I know. It hits me now when I look back at the colorful past I've had and how it has shaped the path I am walking now, or preparing to walk. As tragic as the past has been, not one person has had an effect on me like the one I keep in my heart. Its best not to names in this situation because everything I have laid out for myself will crumble and burn. I want whats best for me at this stage. Hard work and sacrifice are the words I live by now. And above all, patience. It is a waiting game till the rest unfolds and it is a daunting task ahead but I have to do what I have to do. I can't afford to squander my future off in an irresponsible manner hence the reason why I am preparing now for what lies ahead. I only wish I could hit the fast-forward button but we all know that life throws us curve-balls at every turn and you gotta make the most of what you have been dealt. I for one, refuse to give up. I must soldier on. Then and only then will I ever understand the value of life.

The I in Me - Perspective

I am beginning to see everything in perspective now. The past 2 months I spent in that country has seen me go from strength to strength, given all the heartache I’ve suffered by the hands of others. Never have I felt so alone and miserable. The pain is difficult to express in words. Its like having a hot serrated blade run through your skin, over and over again. I wouldn’t even know where or how to begin expressing the utter misery. The experience I would not want anyone to go through. I am thankful for the resilience and the strength I inherited from my parents for without it, I would probably be lying under a bridge somewhere. My parents always told me to stand up for myself and to never back down, and I almost did forget that but something inside me stopped the tears from running down my face. Something told me to keep my head up high and smile, no matter how hard things got. I swear I was close to breaking down at times but I’d like to think that God was with me every step of the way, holding my hand and reassuring me that the world wasn’t full of bad people. That is what got me through the loneliness and the endless fights. Do you know what it feels like to be told to leave your ‘safe haven’ when you’re miles away from home? I do, and its scary. Out on your own without an inkling as to where you’re supposed to be going. I’ve heard of the many horror stories that people tell, the stuff of nightmares of being left alone in a foreign country and left to fend for yourself. I never knew I’d end up in the same position as these statistics. When it actually happens, you’re in a state of shock and disbelief. You’re trying to piece together the moments that led up to this incident and you try and grasp the situation and deal with it as best you can. There is a fine line between love and hate and I saw it first hand. Everything that i’ve learnt about human nature was thrown out the window at that point. It takes a fortunate few to be blessed with humanity and understanding and compassion and that is something that they never had. I was lied to from the very beginning. I consider myself an intelligent person and a great judge of character but even the best in the world have the wool pulled over their eyes. I don’t know why it had to be me but now I see that it was something bigger then me, something much bigger then the person I am inside. I definitely have a Guardian Angel because there were many people who came to my aid. You wish you could choose your family like you do with friends but it was all so different this time around. I have made a big impression on so many since being there and they all lent a shoulder to cry on. They stayed up with me crying till the wee hours of the morning, they held my hand when my emotions took over and my heart sank and when all I had was the desire to end it all. Misery really loves company. I could feel my body shiver as I tried to comprehend my fate. I could never be the same person I was when I left for that foreign shore. My mindset has changed, my entire outlook on life and friendship and family has changed. I now know that I can make it on my own and that there is nothing holding me back but myself. I also know that everything that has befallen me has happened for a reason. If I were a bad person, I wouldn’t have had so many people to lean on and to farewell me in person and on the phone when I said goodbye. I came out a winner at the end of the day. I broke bonds and made lasting friendships with so many. They all accepted me for the person I am and that was all that mattered. If someone cannot accept you for all that you are then they never really deserved you to begin with. The power you have as an individual is something you must learn to harness because that is your only defense against everything and everyone who try to bring you down. When the entire universe seems to conspire against you, rise up and challenge the naysayers. Break them down. If you are impatient like me and cannot wait around for karma to take effect then do what I did and keep hitting back till you bear blood and bone. Feel human again and grab whats yours. Never let them take your strength away. Keep fighting for yourself because nobody will do it for you. The struggles I went through to get me here is something far beyond anything the mind can conjure. There were moments when I was down and out and then there were those rare times I was picked up and carried on wings. I laughed and I cried and I smiled and I screamed. I’ve lost so much but gained so much more. Australia, you have taught me so much. Life, you have taken away so much. I am still Michelle, the woman people love to hate and the woman men can’t handle. I am tough as nails and the closest friend you’ll ever have. I am proud and happy to be me.

I dedicate this to Tas and Jione Fesaitu, Anthea Gock, and Anthony Wainscott for showing me what friendship and family was all about. Thank you for making me smile again :) I love you all xx

The Damned

I sat by the water that day and reminisced a time when everything was uncomplicated. A time when we could do what we wanted without stepping on someones toes. I feel that people have become too sensitive. They find fault in all that we do and they lay the blame on the next person they see. What happened to our sense of adventure? It faded away with time. When things started to fall apart, we raced to cover our tracks. We created walls to keep the bad out but little did we know, we had only trapped the bad in. Here we were, wallowing in self-pity and regretting all that we had done when in fact, the finger pointing should have remained within. We did this to ourselves. It isn’t our place to judge others for it could only have started within us. The rest of the world stares as we stumble around, intoxicated at every turn. They mock us for it seems we do not know which road to take. We caused this blindness. Look at how far we’ve fallen. We mourn the loss of our inner dead. Yes, inner dead. Get used to hearing this. It choked on its own filth and died a long time ago, leaving us empty and confused. Depression set in and we never knew how to fight it. We cursed the Heavens for answers but it seemed like God himself had forsaken us. Perhaps we looked in the wrong places, or maybe we tried too hard to be something different for everyone else. It really served as an eye-opener when we gathered our thoughts and condensed all the pain and anger. We channeled it through the wrong outlets. It led us to nights fueled with poison and fiery hate. It took from us the very essence of life. Oh how we suffered then, and still do. But when will it all end? The answers lie within the mangled network of sense (or lack of) in a mind already lying in ruins. It imploded when we walked the wrong road. The Heavens opened and pierced our hearts. Time ran out for us as we trudged along like zombies, trying to make sense of the monotony of the remainder of the days we have left on this earth.

Herein lie the damned. The Ones He gave up on

One

It hurts to be me right now.

The pain I feel is worse then anything you could ever imagine. My damn hands are shaking as I type this. All these years of being carefree and now I bite the bullet. The last few days have been very trying for me. So much so that I wish I had never woken up that morning. Reality has finally kicked in that I will never be the same again. The 21 questions that I'll have to answer in due time and all the changes that will come with it is just something I have to learn to deal with. Yeah I am a tough nut but I have never faced anything like this before. I don't even know where or how to start making sense of it all. I know I owe nothing to no-one but at the same time, I had to be put in the spotlight where all these people will judge me till the very end. I did nothing wrong to begin with. After all, I am only human. But this is not how I planned it to be. Everything is wrong. I want to be able to see ahead but I can't. Oh God my hands won't stop shaking! Can I please go back to where I was before?? I am very lost right now.

This is big. Much bigger then you and I will ever be. Somehow, I need to find the strength to push on and be all I can be for that One. I gotta be the person to walk with them, to talk to them, to hold them and love them till the very end. I am on the verge of tears as I think of the many sunrises I will have to face alone. But this is how it was meant to be and there is nothing I can say or do that will change the course of my life. I gotta make peace with it, somehow I have to. One thing is for sure, I will always love you more then life itself.

Insomnia

This weekend really opened up my eyes. I now know, first-hand, of how fragile life really is. One moment, you're making peace with the circumstances and the next, you're watching things fall apart around you. Being human is cruelty at its worst. It isn't easy to wipe off pain like it were chalk marks on a blackboard. It is even worse still to be thrown at the deep end of the pool and to find out that you can't swim to save your life. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've reached the end of the road. At some point, I gotta face the inevitable. It is unfair to give life and to take it away like it was spoilt milk. All I know is I will fight to keep my sanity even if it kills me for I have never wanted anything so much before. It will only get harder as the days go by and I don't expect anyone to understand because I cannot let anyone in at this stage. It is a burden only I can carry. Emotionally, he is with me. Physically, I am alone. This wasn't supposed to happen but there is no point dwelling on the 'what-ifs' now. That stage is long gone. I have to smile and brave the winds. The very winds that threaten to take my happiness away from me. With every fibre of my being, I love the part of him that he gave me. I love it so so much that I'm scared to close my eyes and miss a single second of their life, and at the same time I am afraid to open my eyes in case the dream remains just that, a dream. I want this more then anything on earth. If this is meant to be punishment for earlier transgressions, I will happily accept it but not at the cost of losing this life. It would break me down completely. I want this, I need this. It is the key to the puzzle, the missing piece, the only thing that could fill the void within. Hear me out, please don't take it away from me.

Broken.

Silent Lucidity

My last posting was almost a month ago. In that time, so much has happened. To me in particular.

This piece is my way of coming to terms with the loss of a better part of my heart. The part that had me fighting a silent battle to hold on to the last remaining ounce of humanity I had left. The bittersweet symphonies that played in my head as I faced every single day with the hope of finally being able to leave behind a legacy that belonged to the two of us. How I wished upon that star every evening. The tossing and turning and sleepless nights. The reassurances of a single heartbeat that would change my life forever. The waking dawn brought with it faint glimmers of hope that perhaps one day, I too, would be able to have my day in the sunlight. I too, would be able to lift him up and say, 'Hey, you and I have a long walk to take so keep your chin up and don't let anyone or anything slow you down'. I had a plan set out for us. We were going to leave this place behind and spend endless summer days basking in the shade of that great Willow that beckoned us from the movies of old. You would be the person you were born to be and I would live out the rest of my days watching you become my future. Alas, I can only be so bold as to use the term 'posthumous'.

Do you know what it feels like to have your heart break into a million pieces? Do you know what it is like to see your future end in front of you? The images are etched into stone in my mind. Sealed in blood and never ever to be removed. The better part of me died alongside my future that day. It left me without as much as a goodbye and farewell. I was ripped apart in that one moment. In Norse mythology, the Valkyrie watch over the valiant dead. At that instant, I became a Valkyrie to watch over him. Nothing stopped me from wanting to end the madness but I was powerless to begin with.

I am an empty shell. The last of the brave who fought the good fight. I am a mere drop in the ocean of regret. What has been done cannot possibly be undone but rest assured, I will never ever be the same person again. I am numb. There is a hole where my heart used to be. A vacant lot open to malice and hurt. My very existence is defined by the seconds ticking away on a clock. He comes to me in my dreams and calls out to me to join him. He beckons me closer. I would sleep forever to see him again and again but I am reminded every day as the winds whisper in my ear, 'Michelle, it isn't time yet'.

This isn't my time to go. Not now. Not for a while yet.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Hush now, don't you cry

Wipe away the teardrop from your eye

You're lying safe in bed

It was all a bad dream

Spinning in your head

Your mind tricked you to feel the pain

Of someone close to you leaving the game of life

So here it is, another chance

Wide awake you face the day

Your dream is over... or has it just begun?

There's a place I like to hide

A doorway that I run through in the night

Relax child, you were there

But only didn't realize and you were scared

It's a place where you will learn

To face your fears, retrace the years

And ride the whims of your mind

Commanding in another world

Suddenly you hear and see

This magic new dimension

If you open your mind for me

You won't rely on open eyes to see

The walls you built within

Come tumbling down, and a new world will begin

Living twice at once you learn

You're safe from pain in the dream domain

A soul set free to fly

A round trip journey in your head

Master of illusion, can you realize

Your dream's alive, you can be the guide but...

I will be watching over you

I am gonna help you see it through

I will protect you in the night

I am smiling next to you, in Silent Lucidity

RIP xxx

I

Last nights events was the catalyst.

I cannot possibly go on like this. Tossing and turning in bed, sweaty and shaky and confused. My left hand bled yet I felt no pain. I sat upright and by the light of my cell phone, I stared at my hand for what seemed like eternity. My heart felt as if it was seconds away from ripping out of my chest. I wiped my life off on a white tshirt I had on and it intrigued me as to how quickly it coagulated on my hand. Was this Life handing me yet another lesson that nobody bleeds forever?

I thrashed my hand again and again on the wall and wanted to feel something but once again, here I was, alone and numb. Panic and confusion flowed through me. All of a sudden, the whole room went quite. Like someone had sucked the air out of it without as much as a warning. My ears rang in high-pitch. Intense buzzing turning into electrical voltage. Lucid dreams I so badly needed to control were out of my reach. Hallucinations of a viral kind that threatened my sanity. Somehow this all led me back to one person, a name I cannot mention, a name I dare not mention.

My entire existence was turned upside down. These hands that couldn't stop shaking were trying to tell me something. If only they were strong enough to lead me to pen and paper then perhaps my story would have been entirely different. To you, it would merely have been the rantings of a mad woman but to me, it was my life. My misery and my pain. Yet I find it next to impossible to be able to pen everything down legibly. Nothing in my life is fluid nor legible. Its more a series of random events that brought me to this day. Years of internal torture and fighting with my demons to remain in control of this ship.

My hands haven't stopped shaking. As I type this, the demon in me wants to surface and reclaim this empty shell of a corpse. I cannot fight it anymore. Tragedy after tragedy has marred my path. If this journey was as easy as renting a movie, I would have been a Humphrey Bogart classic. Sadly, my tale is one of horror and hurt and constant belittlement. I think you fail to see that I too, have a heart. It may be riddled with scorch marks but it is a heart nonetheless. It is what keeps me partially sane from the wolves who wait at my doorstep. I know how hungry they are. To err but a little is to give them motive to gnaw at my flesh and maul my entire being.

You think you know who I am. You think I am just the same as anyone else with half a brain. Oh how wrong you are! Your mind cannot possibly comprehend, let alone fathom the depth of my pain. I seek eternal slumber. I seek the swift hand of justice. I seek the Grim Reaper himself. Don't try to understand me. I am beyond your thought spectrum. I reside in the dark corners of your minds, a little piece of reality that claws your soul everytime you try to figure me out.

Walk away now.

(Thank you Mark for coming to my aid - you are a true friend)

Yesterday

Friday the 13th rears its ugly head. A sad reminder of the loneliness and emptiness of my heart.

Its your birthday today Daddy. And mum and I are alone once again. There is no cake on the dining table. The candles lie in the kitchen cupboard, without a use. Nobody to sing Happy Birthday to. The suns rays stream in through the window to welcome a new day but you are not here to welcome it with us. Your favorite track by the Beatles plays in my mind.

"Yesterday, all my troubles seem so far away

Now it looks as though they're here to stay

Oh, I believe in yesterday

Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be

There's a shadow hanging over me

Oh, yesterday came suddenly

Why he had to go

I don't know, he wouldn't say

I said something wrong

Now I long for yesterday"

Yes I do long for yesterday. The regrets I have are many. Daddy you taught me to be strong but today I find myself falling. I sat at your grave today and thought about so many things. The pain in my heart only you would know. The heartache that mum feels only you will know. I see other people happy and I want them to be miserable like me. I want them to hurt like me. Life isn't fair, you used to say. And I see it first-hand. Everything is going downhill for me. I am tired of faking a smile. Sickened to my core by the events that play around me. I know you see me crying Daddy. All I want now is for you to come take me away so we can be together again. I can't live like this anymore. You smile back at me from your photograph on the wall and I can't stop these hot tears from running down my face. I stand alone here. Please take me with you. This life isn't worth anything anymore. Since you've been gone, I have given my all to everyone around me. Apart from mum, not one person has asked me what it is that I want and need. Mum and I have stayed up through most nights, comforting each other and wiping away our tears. It isn't the same without you Daddy. I want to smile again Daddy. I want to laugh again too. I want mum to be happy again. I want my family back Daddy. I want YOU back.

Today is special. I offer up a silent prayer. If there is a God, please hear me. You know my heart better than anyone. You know my mums heart better than anyone. Ease our pain. Help us live again.

I hold onto memories of you and our family. Mum and I miss you very much and we have never stopped loving you. She holds on to me because she sees you in me. I am your daughter and you are a part of me. Daddy, one day we will all be together again and those candles will light up once again.

I love you more then life itself Daddy.

Happy birthday Daddy - I will see you soon xox.

Memories

All I can do now is write. Pouring out my heart onto paper.

Nothing is sacred anymore. Everything around me a bitter reminder of what you could have been. I kept quiet for your sake. I stood my ground for our sakes. Yet here I am, stripped bare in front of a mad crowd. I am in agony once again. Broken before your very eyes. I got to hold you even after you had taken your last breath. And yes, I did it alone. You had every right to know who He was, but alas, it could not be so. I made a promise to you remember? We were going to be together forever. And I will fulfill that promise.

It hurts more to know we couldn't even make memories.

Fate Tempted

A close friend once said something to me that I will always cherish.

"They wanted a girl with brains but sadly didn't want her to use it"

The girl they didn't want because she was too opinionated and outspoken for their own good. She saw the truth they tried to hide. She asked too many questions and it scared them to know that the hypocrites that they were and their dirty laundry would be aired out in public for all to see. So they tried to shut her down. Oh how they tried. And what they did to her, she will NEVER forget nor FORGIVE. She continues to bear that burden behind a smile. The world sees her and smiles alongside her but do they really know what lurks inside her?

The pain and heartache she felt (and continues to feel) will always be a reminder of how she came close to ending it all.

So don't judge her for how she speaks and acts, especially by what she writes. She is great at expressing her true feelings and this is her only medium. Judge her by the way she tries to smile even though it is the hardest thing in the world for her. See her as a person who has so much to offer everyone.

She made sacrifices then and continues to do so. She asks herself everyday, "When will they stop hurting me??".

She refuses to be discarded like yesterdays trash. Her only weapons in life are a pen and paper, and her undying spirit. They tried to break her. Why do they not see that she also has a heart full of love? A heart that longs to be accepted by someone worthy.

She feels out of place in this city. Weary of the arguments and the people in it. She dreamt of perching herself on the summit, armed with a sniper rifle. Picking out random targets. All mindless drones going through life, asking no questions and expecting nothing in return. Her anger fixated on the end of her scope. Did she dare pull the trigger?

BANG! BANG! BANG!

Carnage. Chaos unleashed. She did it. One by one, they dropped like flies. Her fingers trembled with excitement. Her pain eased. A faint smile on her lips and she walked away. No remorse.

I dare you to get to know her. I double dare you.