Friday, October 22, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
131010
29 days and counting...where the hell did it disappear to?
So I celebrated my 29th birthday on the 13th of this month, last wednesday. Another day closer to having one foot in the grave :) I feel as if the boat is already in the harbor and all I'm doing is waiting for the right tide and winds to set me off. Its been an amazing 29 years, one hell of a run. I have seen and done things a lot of people couldn't even dream of seeing/doing. I have traveled the world, seen the beauty the world has to offer, and the dark, ugly side that still fascinates me to this day. Its so unlike me to get all sentimental over a stupid birthday, but this one is different. It is my last at home. My last in Paradise. The final few good moments with the people who have mattered to me throughout my life. The one person I wish I could have shared this last moment with was my dad, but I know he was, and still is, watching over me. I'm sitting in the Bat Cave (my room), got my earphones on with Rain blaring in my ears and wondering whether it is true when they say life is too short for regrets. Is it? I can't say I have regretted anything (maybe not saying I Love You enough to daddy), other then that, this journey has always been a rather strange one for me. Lost many, gained a few, tried and failed so much, yet I remain resilient. I thank God for each and every day I spend on earth and for the many blessings he has bestowed on me. As I slowly embark on a new direction in life, it is becoming clear as to why things have happened the way they have. All things happen for a reason, right? And I have a new purpose in life, a new road to follow. I look forward to the new challenges the next few days, weeks, months and years will bring. It is, without a doubt, the greatest thing in life to feel alive.....29 years later and I'm finally alive!
So I celebrated my 29th birthday on the 13th of this month, last wednesday. Another day closer to having one foot in the grave :) I feel as if the boat is already in the harbor and all I'm doing is waiting for the right tide and winds to set me off. Its been an amazing 29 years, one hell of a run. I have seen and done things a lot of people couldn't even dream of seeing/doing. I have traveled the world, seen the beauty the world has to offer, and the dark, ugly side that still fascinates me to this day. Its so unlike me to get all sentimental over a stupid birthday, but this one is different. It is my last at home. My last in Paradise. The final few good moments with the people who have mattered to me throughout my life. The one person I wish I could have shared this last moment with was my dad, but I know he was, and still is, watching over me. I'm sitting in the Bat Cave (my room), got my earphones on with Rain blaring in my ears and wondering whether it is true when they say life is too short for regrets. Is it? I can't say I have regretted anything (maybe not saying I Love You enough to daddy), other then that, this journey has always been a rather strange one for me. Lost many, gained a few, tried and failed so much, yet I remain resilient. I thank God for each and every day I spend on earth and for the many blessings he has bestowed on me. As I slowly embark on a new direction in life, it is becoming clear as to why things have happened the way they have. All things happen for a reason, right? And I have a new purpose in life, a new road to follow. I look forward to the new challenges the next few days, weeks, months and years will bring. It is, without a doubt, the greatest thing in life to feel alive.....29 years later and I'm finally alive!
Monday, October 11, 2010
Friday, October 1, 2010
Mkay!
Date: 01/10/10
Venue: My balcony in Paradise.
Mood: bordering between mellow and contentment.
And here I am, enjoying the cool breeze on a sunny Pacific day. Got a cold drink and a mind full of ideas. The 1.30pm bus just went down the road, blowing smoke everywhere. I swear one day, the authorities are going to get them off the road for good. So where was I? Oh yes, I was in the midst of describing my neighborhood and my home. So the 2 house cats are running amok in the garden, chasing little moths and grasshoppers. The resident pigeons are having a field day dive-bombing the poor things :) mum is in the kitchen preparing the ingredients for dinner. We're having an island specialty this evening: steamed fish with coconut milk and taro leaves! I wish everyone would come and visit my home. Its just the perfect day in Fiji. Palm trees swaying in my yard. Watching the ice-cubes melt away in the tray. Not a care in the world. Peace and love to all!
Venue: My balcony in Paradise.
Mood: bordering between mellow and contentment.
And here I am, enjoying the cool breeze on a sunny Pacific day. Got a cold drink and a mind full of ideas. The 1.30pm bus just went down the road, blowing smoke everywhere. I swear one day, the authorities are going to get them off the road for good. So where was I? Oh yes, I was in the midst of describing my neighborhood and my home. So the 2 house cats are running amok in the garden, chasing little moths and grasshoppers. The resident pigeons are having a field day dive-bombing the poor things :) mum is in the kitchen preparing the ingredients for dinner. We're having an island specialty this evening: steamed fish with coconut milk and taro leaves! I wish everyone would come and visit my home. Its just the perfect day in Fiji. Palm trees swaying in my yard. Watching the ice-cubes melt away in the tray. Not a care in the world. Peace and love to all!
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
New diet plan!
Hello beautiful people!
As of tomorrow, I will be starting a new diet regime called the Mediterranean Diet. Looking forward to this. The beauty of the plan is that it already includes everything I enjoy eating like fish, fruits and vegetables. I don't eat junk. The biggest reason for my weight gain is all the alcohol I have been consuming at a regular basis that has made me feel bloated. I am definitely excited about this new diet plan and can't wait to see the results. I know it will take a few months before results are visible but it will be worth the wait, especially with the wedding looming in March 2011. I'll have to start walking a lot more but it does pose a problem for me because I am asthmatic. The heat in the Tropics is unbearable, especially for me. Well, here's to a new plan, good health and long life!!
As of tomorrow, I will be starting a new diet regime called the Mediterranean Diet. Looking forward to this. The beauty of the plan is that it already includes everything I enjoy eating like fish, fruits and vegetables. I don't eat junk. The biggest reason for my weight gain is all the alcohol I have been consuming at a regular basis that has made me feel bloated. I am definitely excited about this new diet plan and can't wait to see the results. I know it will take a few months before results are visible but it will be worth the wait, especially with the wedding looming in March 2011. I'll have to start walking a lot more but it does pose a problem for me because I am asthmatic. The heat in the Tropics is unbearable, especially for me. Well, here's to a new plan, good health and long life!!
Monday, September 27, 2010
Hmm..
Been 7 days now. No sign of it happening. Negative results coming through but I have hope in it showing up one day soon, hopefully this week. I am not sure as to what I am supposed to be doing at this point. Hate the waiting game as it annoys the hell out of me. This afternoon is supposedly D-day. Desperate is what I am to get through this unscathed. Till this afternoon then.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Tired. Done.
I am not sure where I'm supposed to start. At the top would make it too long and miserable. The middle seems good for now. I have so much going on in my life right now and at the same time, so much going wrong that I wish I were somewhere else. Stressed and worried and afraid all at once. Its beginning to show on the outside. As I type this, my eyes are closing because I've had only 4 hours sleep yet its only mid afternoon. But when it comes to night time, I just can't fall asleep. Tired and wounded inside. Emotionally drained. I need an escape route, a way out of here. Just when you think you couldn't get any happier, the ceiling comes crashing down on you. It always picks me. I'm the one it always falls on. So tired, I think i'm done.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
Bliss
Dear Disenchanted One,
I hereby grace your page with my useless ramblings. It has been a while since I had this priviledge so I'm trying to make the most of the time I have. I know things have been tough lately and I know it hasn't been easy dealing with the way toxic folk have treated you but I am here to tell you now that it will get better. Its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel from where you stand but trust me, the world will not end for you. In fact, you will learn from this experience and grow tougher, another layer of skin to shield the unwanted. I know I have seen my fair share of misery and pain yet I struggle on and hold on to the hope of a brighter future. Don't you want to walk barefoot on a summers day in the park?? Oh how beautiful it would be to feel the sun on your face, to see the innocent play, to feel the rush of wind through your hair as you close your eyes and savor it all. I know it paints a pretty picture but you haven't lived until you've tried this. It makes you feel alive! The world is a wonderful place if you would only allow yourself to see it. Do you remember what it was like as a child growing up? The freedom and carelessness of youth. The wonderful aromas of a family picnic. You can still have it all! Its not too late for you, for us! Hold my hand now as I take you to the other side of life. A side where you fear nothing but the shackles of old age, even that you will wear gracefully. Lets go now! Are you ready?
I hereby grace your page with my useless ramblings. It has been a while since I had this priviledge so I'm trying to make the most of the time I have. I know things have been tough lately and I know it hasn't been easy dealing with the way toxic folk have treated you but I am here to tell you now that it will get better. Its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel from where you stand but trust me, the world will not end for you. In fact, you will learn from this experience and grow tougher, another layer of skin to shield the unwanted. I know I have seen my fair share of misery and pain yet I struggle on and hold on to the hope of a brighter future. Don't you want to walk barefoot on a summers day in the park?? Oh how beautiful it would be to feel the sun on your face, to see the innocent play, to feel the rush of wind through your hair as you close your eyes and savor it all. I know it paints a pretty picture but you haven't lived until you've tried this. It makes you feel alive! The world is a wonderful place if you would only allow yourself to see it. Do you remember what it was like as a child growing up? The freedom and carelessness of youth. The wonderful aromas of a family picnic. You can still have it all! Its not too late for you, for us! Hold my hand now as I take you to the other side of life. A side where you fear nothing but the shackles of old age, even that you will wear gracefully. Lets go now! Are you ready?
:(
Feeling very afraid at this moment. Can't sleep and its after 1am. My chest feels tight, I can't explain the fear I have. Its frustrating enough to make me lose my mind. I don't know what to do right now. Someone help me please!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
I did it. I finally did it. Pulled myself off Facebook. Feels kinda weird coz I thought it wouldn't be possible, especially in this day and age. Gosh, it took too much of my time and now I really regret ever signing up. But then again, there is that certain attraction to it that might possibly drag me back....then again, you never know eh! So yeah, another day almost gone. I should probably start one of those Dear Diary things next. Could be fun, a whole new light. Something off the beaten track as I always seem to wana venture in the dark coz I am that damn bored. Why is it that I feel this way?? Arghhh crap. To hell with this entry, I'm off to bed. Laters!
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Go!
Adrenaline.....coursing through my veins. I'm running into nothing, its almost crazy! An invisible wall for a junkie. High on life, nah must be V or something. Just doesn't feel the same anymore. I wana run, just keep running...not feeling the pain, crashing into you, going to extremes and still not feeling the pain.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Another way out
Alas, it seems like only yesterday when I had the urge to do the impossible. The urge to cross that imaginary line towards a new frontier. Nobody sees it but me. I feel it. How I wish I knew all that back then. sadly it had to be this way. Random ramblings from a disenchanted soul. I know it makes no sense to you but then again, it wasn't supposed to. I am who I am and what I write matters only to me, and no other. Thoughts that linger when I'm alone in the dark. The world that spins around in my mind when nobody bothers to ask how I feel. It is remarkable in here. You should take a trip in my mind someday. I am certain you will leave a little less-thrilled because it isn't for a the faint-hearted. Did I scare you? Good! That was the point of it all. Until the next one............
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Dear Anne.
I now proceed to list a selection of books that I find fulfilling enough to read. I avoid romance like the plague. I despise it, hate it. It brings no satisfaction to me in any form nor manner. Like a broken record, it spins over and over the same tunes, time and time again. There is no creativity, nothing to keep me fixated on. I move my focus towards authors like Michael Crichton of the Eaters of the Dead fame (one of my all-time faves), the Hannibal series, Jeffrey Archers short stories, Bram Stokers Dracula and of course my personal favorite and the light of my life, Anne Rice and ALL her written works. I am an avid collector of her Vampire Chronicles and am slowly coming to completion, after which I will proceed to read each and every one of them. She has, by far, the vision and the flare for pure perfection then any author I have had the priviledge to know. Her works are timeless, like the creatures of magnificence she portrays ever so beautifully. I admire her art, her resiliency and her ability to adapt to any theme or storyline. It takes skill and an eye for detail to be close to being compared to Anne Rice. She has a true gift of bringing light on subjects that were previously considered lost or taboo. Anne's research is in-depth and flawless, her writing style to be commended, her knowledge of the ancient world effortless and the way she is able to place her readers in a completely fantastical world is pure genius. I take my hat off to her and she will remain the Number 1 author for as long as I live.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
threading over dark....
The idea to draw blood seems so good right about now. It would be the most satisfying thing I'd ever do if I had the chance. I'd like to see how fragile life really is, how easily it could slip away with a twist of a blade. I am that blade. Let them taste cold steel as I jab away at your heart and watch it bleed profusely before your body hits the floor lifeless and wasted. I have no qualms in ending your life. Where I failed to take mine, I shall be successful in taking yours. You cannot run or hide. I am everywhere. Let the Darkness take you now..............fade, fade, fade.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
My Dark Life
Dark thoughts linger in the silent watches of the night.
My mind reveals the true nature of the human psyche. Malevolent and hurtful. They urge me to relay these messages to whoever will listen. rThe darkness beckons me to provoke fear, to strike fear into the hearts of men. I stare into the blackness and see nothing but chaos. The filth and stench of humanity. A disease of the soul. A corruption of the senses. A mockery of faith. Subliminal pain. Why do you walk alone? That shadow you make isn't yours anymore. The creature that follows you around is the face your mind created. Your alter-ego. A pitiful mask. Look death in the face. They want you. I hear them calling you. Beckoning you to join the Dark Side. A fine line between love and reckless hate. Such malice in their eyes, burning like a distant fire. Waiting to consume you, to erase every last ounce of humanity left in you.
It appeals to me yet I cannot explain why. The longing in me for the truth. Bend me to your will. Break me. Let evil seduce the very life in you. Fan those flames of hate. Fear is but a word in terms. Nothing more nothing less. I see you falling in the abyss with nothing to hold onto. Let go and free-fall. Close your eyes and let it happen.
Welcome to my Dark Life.
My mind reveals the true nature of the human psyche. Malevolent and hurtful. They urge me to relay these messages to whoever will listen. rThe darkness beckons me to provoke fear, to strike fear into the hearts of men. I stare into the blackness and see nothing but chaos. The filth and stench of humanity. A disease of the soul. A corruption of the senses. A mockery of faith. Subliminal pain. Why do you walk alone? That shadow you make isn't yours anymore. The creature that follows you around is the face your mind created. Your alter-ego. A pitiful mask. Look death in the face. They want you. I hear them calling you. Beckoning you to join the Dark Side. A fine line between love and reckless hate. Such malice in their eyes, burning like a distant fire. Waiting to consume you, to erase every last ounce of humanity left in you.
It appeals to me yet I cannot explain why. The longing in me for the truth. Bend me to your will. Break me. Let evil seduce the very life in you. Fan those flames of hate. Fear is but a word in terms. Nothing more nothing less. I see you falling in the abyss with nothing to hold onto. Let go and free-fall. Close your eyes and let it happen.
Welcome to my Dark Life.
You will suffer me (an ode to my enemies)
A bullet in your head is how I want it
Your body on the floor - a kodak moment
You're a waste of air and waste of space
I want sharp objects to fly into your face
I hate you now more then I ever did
I wanna kill you, dig you up and do it again
I want a car to run over your head
Put it in reverse and do it again
And I would be lying if I said it wasn't true
I want very bad things to happen to you
It would be really great if you drowned in a lake
Or put a bag over your face and watch you suffocate
I'd celebrate at your wake, i'd bake myself a cake
'Cause you're my favorite person that I love to hate
And you're the reason murder should be legalised
If it was, you'd be dead and in the ground by five
Just in case I forgot to say -
I hate you motherfucker in the very worst way
I want very bad things to happen to you
Your body on the floor - a kodak moment
You're a waste of air and waste of space
I want sharp objects to fly into your face
I hate you now more then I ever did
I wanna kill you, dig you up and do it again
I want a car to run over your head
Put it in reverse and do it again
And I would be lying if I said it wasn't true
I want very bad things to happen to you
It would be really great if you drowned in a lake
Or put a bag over your face and watch you suffocate
I'd celebrate at your wake, i'd bake myself a cake
'Cause you're my favorite person that I love to hate
And you're the reason murder should be legalised
If it was, you'd be dead and in the ground by five
Just in case I forgot to say -
I hate you motherfucker in the very worst way
I want very bad things to happen to you
Escape is futile
I took your breath. I robbed you off your life. Oh how I love to see you cry. I'm your nightmare in plain sight and you will fear me. Your screams just can't penetrate my insecurities baby. I couldn't care less. My heart stopped beating when you first said that you loved me. And now I hold you close to me, but I still don't feel a thing. You're so cold and blue, and now I must forget you. Some things are worth dying for, and I'm sorry that aint me baby. I'm sorry that you couldn't escape this curse of me.
Tonight I hold you one more time with the stench of formaldehyde in the air. You are my darkest secret and in my dark space is where I'll keep it. Your hopes and dreams will never see the light of day. I took your beauty, your purity. And locked it all away.
The foul stench is all that remains of your essence.
Tonight I hold you one more time with the stench of formaldehyde in the air. You are my darkest secret and in my dark space is where I'll keep it. Your hopes and dreams will never see the light of day. I took your beauty, your purity. And locked it all away.
The foul stench is all that remains of your essence.
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