Insomnia

This weekend really opened up my eyes. I now know, first-hand, of how fragile life really is. One moment, you're making peace with the circumstances and the next, you're watching things fall apart around you. Being human is cruelty at its worst. It isn't easy to wipe off pain like it were chalk marks on a blackboard. It is even worse still to be thrown at the deep end of the pool and to find out that you can't swim to save your life. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've reached the end of the road. At some point, I gotta face the inevitable. It is unfair to give life and to take it away like it was spoilt milk. All I know is I will fight to keep my sanity even if it kills me for I have never wanted anything so much before. It will only get harder as the days go by and I don't expect anyone to understand because I cannot let anyone in at this stage. It is a burden only I can carry. Emotionally, he is with me. Physically, I am alone. This wasn't supposed to happen but there is no point dwelling on the 'what-ifs' now. That stage is long gone. I have to smile and brave the winds. The very winds that threaten to take my happiness away from me. With every fibre of my being, I love the part of him that he gave me. I love it so so much that I'm scared to close my eyes and miss a single second of their life, and at the same time I am afraid to open my eyes in case the dream remains just that, a dream. I want this more then anything on earth. If this is meant to be punishment for earlier transgressions, I will happily accept it but not at the cost of losing this life. It would break me down completely. I want this, I need this. It is the key to the puzzle, the missing piece, the only thing that could fill the void within. Hear me out, please don't take it away from me.

Broken.

Silent Lucidity

My last posting was almost a month ago. In that time, so much has happened. To me in particular.

This piece is my way of coming to terms with the loss of a better part of my heart. The part that had me fighting a silent battle to hold on to the last remaining ounce of humanity I had left. The bittersweet symphonies that played in my head as I faced every single day with the hope of finally being able to leave behind a legacy that belonged to the two of us. How I wished upon that star every evening. The tossing and turning and sleepless nights. The reassurances of a single heartbeat that would change my life forever. The waking dawn brought with it faint glimmers of hope that perhaps one day, I too, would be able to have my day in the sunlight. I too, would be able to lift him up and say, 'Hey, you and I have a long walk to take so keep your chin up and don't let anyone or anything slow you down'. I had a plan set out for us. We were going to leave this place behind and spend endless summer days basking in the shade of that great Willow that beckoned us from the movies of old. You would be the person you were born to be and I would live out the rest of my days watching you become my future. Alas, I can only be so bold as to use the term 'posthumous'.

Do you know what it feels like to have your heart break into a million pieces? Do you know what it is like to see your future end in front of you? The images are etched into stone in my mind. Sealed in blood and never ever to be removed. The better part of me died alongside my future that day. It left me without as much as a goodbye and farewell. I was ripped apart in that one moment. In Norse mythology, the Valkyrie watch over the valiant dead. At that instant, I became a Valkyrie to watch over him. Nothing stopped me from wanting to end the madness but I was powerless to begin with.

I am an empty shell. The last of the brave who fought the good fight. I am a mere drop in the ocean of regret. What has been done cannot possibly be undone but rest assured, I will never ever be the same person again. I am numb. There is a hole where my heart used to be. A vacant lot open to malice and hurt. My very existence is defined by the seconds ticking away on a clock. He comes to me in my dreams and calls out to me to join him. He beckons me closer. I would sleep forever to see him again and again but I am reminded every day as the winds whisper in my ear, 'Michelle, it isn't time yet'.

This isn't my time to go. Not now. Not for a while yet.

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Hush now, don't you cry

Wipe away the teardrop from your eye

You're lying safe in bed

It was all a bad dream

Spinning in your head

Your mind tricked you to feel the pain

Of someone close to you leaving the game of life

So here it is, another chance

Wide awake you face the day

Your dream is over... or has it just begun?

There's a place I like to hide

A doorway that I run through in the night

Relax child, you were there

But only didn't realize and you were scared

It's a place where you will learn

To face your fears, retrace the years

And ride the whims of your mind

Commanding in another world

Suddenly you hear and see

This magic new dimension

If you open your mind for me

You won't rely on open eyes to see

The walls you built within

Come tumbling down, and a new world will begin

Living twice at once you learn

You're safe from pain in the dream domain

A soul set free to fly

A round trip journey in your head

Master of illusion, can you realize

Your dream's alive, you can be the guide but...

I will be watching over you

I am gonna help you see it through

I will protect you in the night

I am smiling next to you, in Silent Lucidity

RIP xxx

I

Last nights events was the catalyst.

I cannot possibly go on like this. Tossing and turning in bed, sweaty and shaky and confused. My left hand bled yet I felt no pain. I sat upright and by the light of my cell phone, I stared at my hand for what seemed like eternity. My heart felt as if it was seconds away from ripping out of my chest. I wiped my life off on a white tshirt I had on and it intrigued me as to how quickly it coagulated on my hand. Was this Life handing me yet another lesson that nobody bleeds forever?

I thrashed my hand again and again on the wall and wanted to feel something but once again, here I was, alone and numb. Panic and confusion flowed through me. All of a sudden, the whole room went quite. Like someone had sucked the air out of it without as much as a warning. My ears rang in high-pitch. Intense buzzing turning into electrical voltage. Lucid dreams I so badly needed to control were out of my reach. Hallucinations of a viral kind that threatened my sanity. Somehow this all led me back to one person, a name I cannot mention, a name I dare not mention.

My entire existence was turned upside down. These hands that couldn't stop shaking were trying to tell me something. If only they were strong enough to lead me to pen and paper then perhaps my story would have been entirely different. To you, it would merely have been the rantings of a mad woman but to me, it was my life. My misery and my pain. Yet I find it next to impossible to be able to pen everything down legibly. Nothing in my life is fluid nor legible. Its more a series of random events that brought me to this day. Years of internal torture and fighting with my demons to remain in control of this ship.

My hands haven't stopped shaking. As I type this, the demon in me wants to surface and reclaim this empty shell of a corpse. I cannot fight it anymore. Tragedy after tragedy has marred my path. If this journey was as easy as renting a movie, I would have been a Humphrey Bogart classic. Sadly, my tale is one of horror and hurt and constant belittlement. I think you fail to see that I too, have a heart. It may be riddled with scorch marks but it is a heart nonetheless. It is what keeps me partially sane from the wolves who wait at my doorstep. I know how hungry they are. To err but a little is to give them motive to gnaw at my flesh and maul my entire being.

You think you know who I am. You think I am just the same as anyone else with half a brain. Oh how wrong you are! Your mind cannot possibly comprehend, let alone fathom the depth of my pain. I seek eternal slumber. I seek the swift hand of justice. I seek the Grim Reaper himself. Don't try to understand me. I am beyond your thought spectrum. I reside in the dark corners of your minds, a little piece of reality that claws your soul everytime you try to figure me out.

Walk away now.

(Thank you Mark for coming to my aid - you are a true friend)

Yesterday

Friday the 13th rears its ugly head. A sad reminder of the loneliness and emptiness of my heart.

Its your birthday today Daddy. And mum and I are alone once again. There is no cake on the dining table. The candles lie in the kitchen cupboard, without a use. Nobody to sing Happy Birthday to. The suns rays stream in through the window to welcome a new day but you are not here to welcome it with us. Your favorite track by the Beatles plays in my mind.

"Yesterday, all my troubles seem so far away

Now it looks as though they're here to stay

Oh, I believe in yesterday

Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be

There's a shadow hanging over me

Oh, yesterday came suddenly

Why he had to go

I don't know, he wouldn't say

I said something wrong

Now I long for yesterday"

Yes I do long for yesterday. The regrets I have are many. Daddy you taught me to be strong but today I find myself falling. I sat at your grave today and thought about so many things. The pain in my heart only you would know. The heartache that mum feels only you will know. I see other people happy and I want them to be miserable like me. I want them to hurt like me. Life isn't fair, you used to say. And I see it first-hand. Everything is going downhill for me. I am tired of faking a smile. Sickened to my core by the events that play around me. I know you see me crying Daddy. All I want now is for you to come take me away so we can be together again. I can't live like this anymore. You smile back at me from your photograph on the wall and I can't stop these hot tears from running down my face. I stand alone here. Please take me with you. This life isn't worth anything anymore. Since you've been gone, I have given my all to everyone around me. Apart from mum, not one person has asked me what it is that I want and need. Mum and I have stayed up through most nights, comforting each other and wiping away our tears. It isn't the same without you Daddy. I want to smile again Daddy. I want to laugh again too. I want mum to be happy again. I want my family back Daddy. I want YOU back.

Today is special. I offer up a silent prayer. If there is a God, please hear me. You know my heart better than anyone. You know my mums heart better than anyone. Ease our pain. Help us live again.

I hold onto memories of you and our family. Mum and I miss you very much and we have never stopped loving you. She holds on to me because she sees you in me. I am your daughter and you are a part of me. Daddy, one day we will all be together again and those candles will light up once again.

I love you more then life itself Daddy.

Happy birthday Daddy - I will see you soon xox.

Memories

All I can do now is write. Pouring out my heart onto paper.

Nothing is sacred anymore. Everything around me a bitter reminder of what you could have been. I kept quiet for your sake. I stood my ground for our sakes. Yet here I am, stripped bare in front of a mad crowd. I am in agony once again. Broken before your very eyes. I got to hold you even after you had taken your last breath. And yes, I did it alone. You had every right to know who He was, but alas, it could not be so. I made a promise to you remember? We were going to be together forever. And I will fulfill that promise.

It hurts more to know we couldn't even make memories.

Fate Tempted

A close friend once said something to me that I will always cherish.

"They wanted a girl with brains but sadly didn't want her to use it"

The girl they didn't want because she was too opinionated and outspoken for their own good. She saw the truth they tried to hide. She asked too many questions and it scared them to know that the hypocrites that they were and their dirty laundry would be aired out in public for all to see. So they tried to shut her down. Oh how they tried. And what they did to her, she will NEVER forget nor FORGIVE. She continues to bear that burden behind a smile. The world sees her and smiles alongside her but do they really know what lurks inside her?

The pain and heartache she felt (and continues to feel) will always be a reminder of how she came close to ending it all.

So don't judge her for how she speaks and acts, especially by what she writes. She is great at expressing her true feelings and this is her only medium. Judge her by the way she tries to smile even though it is the hardest thing in the world for her. See her as a person who has so much to offer everyone.

She made sacrifices then and continues to do so. She asks herself everyday, "When will they stop hurting me??".

She refuses to be discarded like yesterdays trash. Her only weapons in life are a pen and paper, and her undying spirit. They tried to break her. Why do they not see that she also has a heart full of love? A heart that longs to be accepted by someone worthy.

She feels out of place in this city. Weary of the arguments and the people in it. She dreamt of perching herself on the summit, armed with a sniper rifle. Picking out random targets. All mindless drones going through life, asking no questions and expecting nothing in return. Her anger fixated on the end of her scope. Did she dare pull the trigger?

BANG! BANG! BANG!

Carnage. Chaos unleashed. She did it. One by one, they dropped like flies. Her fingers trembled with excitement. Her pain eased. A faint smile on her lips and she walked away. No remorse.

I dare you to get to know her. I double dare you.

Dark Passenger

He lies waiting for me in the depths of my psyche. The unnamed malice that controls my destiny. He wields so much power over me. He isn't mortal and neither is he interested in what you can offer him. All that he needs and wants, I am the only one able to give it to him. I cannot run or hide, for he sees all.

Slit my wrists, take away the pain.

Slit my throat, there’s no one to blame.

Lost in the fields of confusion.

Restless nights, they're not far away.

AWAY!

RIGHT?

I came here for something and I'm not turning back.

Strong in the mind but you still hold my keys.

Keeping my fate deep within your threshold.

Petty inconvenience but it means the whole world to me.

You have the power.

To set me free.

Caught in your grasp, how?

Just let me be.

Give me control out.

Out of these depths.

A fiery hell.

I pray for death.

I've been the wrong one time and time again.

Now I'm on my knees forgive me please.

Tore out my heart and handed to me on a silver platter.

Sew up the hole, emptiness in the place of compassion.

You made me this way.

I am the product of your creation.

Sew up the hole, right now,

Now you turn the other way.

You've turned away from me, the future's much too far away to see.

I hope you learn the truth,

not the way things were meant to be with me and you.

I lay by the window and stared into the night as the wind blew my curtains in. In the darkness, even blood looks black, but menacing still. I wasn't alone. He watched me from the shadows of the walls. This malevolent being, my Dark Passenger. He stared at me with those fiery eyes.

In an instant, I was transported to my enemy. He couldn't see me standing there in plain sight. My feet were rooted to the ground as I looked at him with fear, thinking this wasn't a dream and he would hurt me soon. But he didnt even notice me. I was beyond excited at the prospect of watching my enemy take his last breath at my Dark Passenger's command.

With a single swipe, it was done. I watched in awe as my blade sliced through his skin like a hot knife through butter. His eyes rolled back as blood gurgled in his mouth and spat out all over. As I slowly placed his motionless body on the tiles, I smiled as his lifeforce ran through the cracks forming the outline of a diamond on the floor. My master watched on and nodded ever so slowly. He was pleased.

I stared for what seemed like eternity. My first kill. I felt something awaken in me. A new-found energy in me that had me in tears for that one moment. My hands covered in blood yet I couldn't understand how this was a bad thing. I made my Dark Passenger happy and that was all that mattered for now.

And then I did what was necessary. I tasted my kill. Running my tongue against the metal blood-drenched blade, I closed my eyes and tried to use all my senses to understand this new phenomenon. It felt incredible. A supernova of emotions raging inside me. I now saw why I was sent here.

Walking away from there, my Dark Passenger now a part of me. An important piece of my soul that I was never going to give up, no matter what. I loved him and he loved me.

Farewell.