One day at a time

While I make it my business to constantly write when I get the time, I know this one is completely different. 

I'm expecting my first child and it is the single most scariest event I've ever experienced (or am experiencing). No amount of advice from mum or my best friend will ever be enough to quell my fears about this. I've always known deep inside that I'd be a great mother someday but to be caught in this moment is so overwhelming that it has me in tears more often then I care to be in. I know pregnancy was never meant to be easy, especially if it is your first child. While the doctors jabber on about not stressing out, it is so impossible not to. I'm not exactly in the ideal of situations with my pregnancy. Things on the home front are shaky and I'm always scared about what tomorrow might bring. I spend my waking and sleeping moments pondering about the world I am bringing this child into. It is the worst feeling when you are unprepared and I've never had to be. Another lesson to learn I guess.

So I'll probably blame this on the hormones and wish that things were different and I was in a completely different situation. Last night I cried doubting myself and what right I had to be a mother. People rant on about it being a blessing but they never mentioned the emotional roller-coaster I had to be riding on. As I look out my window, the Spring flowers are in full bloom and it does nothing to allay my fears of the future. Not knowing what tomorrow will bring is the worst feeling in the world. I want to be in control of my life. I want to be responsible for my own decisions but with a little one on the way, that is a distant dream. Everything changed the day I found out I was carrying. 

I still have a long way to go yet and I know the journey won't be easy. This is the one time I just want someone to lie to me and say that everything will be alright and that my child will be born happy and healthy. The uncertainties are mind-boggling to say the least. I am broken in so many ways that it would take a lot of time and patience to piece me back together again. Am I ready for this? Was anyone ever ready for this?

A single prayer is all I have for the one that is due to arrive: 

Please don't expect too much from the world for there is nothing it can provide that you can't get for yourself. Mum will do all she can to make sure you have a comfortable life but mum will not always be there for you because as the circle of life goes, I too will have to go away to see your grandfather. I will hold your hand and catch you when you fall for as long as you want me to, this I promise you my baby but you will need to walk the rest of the way alone. You will be ready to face the world on your own and make me proud. While I won't be around in body, my spirit will live on in that heart of yours. My undying will to thrive will take care of you always.

One day at a time is all.